Sunday, March 18, 2007

Everything goes from sad to exhilarating so fast

What could be more gorgeous then a snowstorm in Montréal, gusts of wind that blow the snow off entire stretches of the sidewalk so that they’ll be 6 inches in some places and then suddenly you’re walking on clear cement? Except then it gets a little bit cold with all of these gusts, brrr. I’m only here because it’s easier to get from Montréal to Boston than from Toronto to Boston, but I’m so glad -- on the next tour, I definitely need to do an event in Montréal!

The way touring opens up all of this emotional access like everything goes from sad to exhilarating so fast and I also like the points of introspection in all of the different emotional spaces, the immediate intense connections with people because our time together is concentrated.

A thought on feminism: I was defining the kind of feminism that has made me and that I am making -- the feminism of dykes and outsider queers and whores and incest survivors, vegans, runaways, trannies, dropouts, freaks, and Tara-Michelle Ziniuk said you chose to call it feminism, I chose to call it anarchism, but it’s the same thing -- she’s right. The way different words form us and we form them, too.

Like right now I already feel calmer and more present and grounded, a few minutes ago I felt like I couldn’t possibly write anything I was too exhausted.

Meanwhile, the dream I remember from Montréal: My sister and I realize we’ve left all our stuff on the bus, I’m in the old apartment building where he used to live, seeing if they have an apartment on the other side, with views of the whole downtown skyline -- how much are apartments there going for now anyway? We don’t have a chance to find out because we’re rushing outside to see if we can catch the bus, luckily it’s stopped on the side of the road, no sort of the middle. Everything is gray like time is stopped too or it’s a bus that used to be used in the military, something charred or a relic, but our stuff is luckily still inside. Then I’m in a room where someone is auctioning a little piece of my life on some kind of microchip, it’s a porn video I was in and I’m looking at my body from six months ago it’s already not the body I have now and I wonder if other people notice this. Then I’m in a big empty commercial loft space with unfinished wood floors, having sex with my first boyfriend until he stops and walks away, maybe I’m going to the bathroom and he’s going out of the apartment and into the hall but somehow I stop him because the sex is kind of hot. He says you’re too much of a mythologist for my complicated masculinist self. I say what do you mean? He says you’re busy breaking down mythologies. I say then I’m an anti-mythologist!

2 comments:

James said...

I do read the New York Times Book Review most weeks. This week 3/18 there was a book reviewed that is related to topics you write about:
'The First Man-Made Man'
By PAGAN KENNEDY
Reviewed by MARY ROACH
aboiut Michael Dillon who was apparently the first person to have surgery to change thieir sex.
Now, a friend of mine heard you talk earlier on your tour in Seattle, where you talked against the more mainstream published book that came out last year about a woman who dressed up as a man for a year and went bowling and stuff with the mens bowling leagues and other men stuff and wrote about it. I do not remember the name of the book, but I do remember reading the review of the book in the NYT Book Review.
So, the New York Times is ceartainly a mainstream publication. The NYT Book Review reviews books by major publishers. So other than that and what is written in the book review, I do not know anything else about "The First Man Made Man" or the book I wrote about in the second pharagraph.

mattilda a.k.a. matt bernstein sycamore said...

Hi James--

Yes, this book could be interesting -- thanks for mentioning it! Of course I'm suspicious about anyone who is described as "the first." The backlash book I critiqued in Seattle was Norah Vincent's Self-Made Man-- remind me of your email, and I would be glad to forward you my review of that one.

Love --

mattilda