Sunday, April 29, 2007

Okay now the exhaustion sets in

Outside at the bus stop in front of my apartment there’s a new phone sex ad on display, no longer do we stare at the two buff guys with surprisingly large bags under their eyes, probably a picture taken in 1995 of two guys stuck in 1985 before it was trendy. Now it's a new picture -- there's even a guy with facial hair, very current, although he's got the gay glaze in his eyes and the guy next to him is wearing a gas station attendant outfit with only a hint of wax, tanning salon nudity glimpsed underneath his unbuttoned one-piece whatever-they-call-those-things. One of the guys is sweating way too much, I'm wondering if they don't blow these pictures up all the way to seven feet by five feet or whatever before they make the large-format prints for the ad.

Oh wait, I forgot to look for the sink drain strainer that I actually threw out the window when I was shaking it out. I go back into my building, passing the two queens standing with a friend in very high heels, by the bus station ad -- I've never gone into the courtyard of my building, from my apartment it looks suddenly green but down here I see it's just weeds, sidewalk buckling and there's no way I'll find a sink drain strainer down here. Back outside, I'm on the way to the hardware store past throngs of tourists and shoppers and through the thick air, why did I leave the house without food? I should have just waited for the bus instead of walking -- my hips feel locked from the train I'm sure, everything hurts, but at least I get the sink drain strainer and grout for the bathroom but I can't remember what the third thing is.

This is the moment when I'm back from two months of traveling and I'm trying to make everything wonderful in my apartment, that's why I've gone right out to get the strainer instead of waiting six months or whatever, I'm also getting sheets at the discount store if I can get past all of these shoppers, my sheets are turning into rags I mean they’re soft enough but fraying with holes and everything but then I'm actually getting a comforter. The truth of sweatshop consumerism of the discount variety is that I've already forgotten that sheets were the original goal, and I think the comforter is the idea, sheets something I've just realized. And the boxers?

Then I'm outside carrying way too much and I have to piss, no pissing in Ross Dress for Less unless you want to do it in one of the aisles and the aisles are too crowded, dammit -- across the street and into the Container Store with everything that's hurting me including the heat it’s way too hot in the stores! At least this store has a bathroom, but not soon enough for me to get home without hurting from carrying this comforter and sheets, I guess I was already hurting when I left but I didn't realize it yet or I realized it after two blocks but kept walking anyway.

Here's a window into my drama, or not really my drama just my process, okay? It's a literal window, too -- the window onto my fire escape. I wake up at Noon, could stay in bed but I want to lie out in the sun although it turns out it's kind of cold maybe. I put the stretching mat out there for cushioning, then two towels on top of that, a pillow for my head and two pillows to go under my knees, plus the sheet to cover the bottom of the stretching mat so that it doesn't melt. Then I'm out in the sun except it's not really sunny so I'm freezing sort of except when it actually is sunny. Then I'm immediately wondering if I'm getting burnt, even though it's probably not more than 60 degrees out it's only 1 p.m. and I usually don't lie out in the sun before 2. Although I guess with daylight savings, 1 p.m. is really 2, sort of, although daylight savings was a month ago -- how does it relate to the actual time?

Then it is sunny so I decide to cover my face with my sweatshirt, but then there's no fresh air so one of my nostrils is closing -- I try to position the sweatshirt so that air comes through, but it doesn't really work so I move the sheet over there and that works better except yes, my left nostril is closing -- before it was the right, but then I moved to the sheet over. How long has it been anyway? I love the feeling of the sun on my skin, but am I getting burnt? I realize that daylight savings means 1 p.m. is really Noon, I don't think I've ever sunbathed at Noon.

All of this obsession about sunburn is maybe preventing me from realizing that I'm so exhausted today that just walking around the corner to look for the Guardian so I can find a movie makes me so tired that I can't even imagine going to a movie. I keep saying to people: I don't feel dramatically more tired than usual, even after traveling for 2 1/2 months and taking the train back, but now I feel dramatically more tired than usual. Although to tell you the truth I have no idea what usual means, I mean do I always feel dramatically more tired than usual?

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