Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Buena Vista: dark silhouettes against a slightly lighter sky








The RSI support group is really fun actually, even though I'm in the hospital it doesn't feel like a hospital once I start talking -- Lee, the facilitator, asks me simple questions and then boom I'm just talking and talking it’s so smooth, almost like a prepared lecture but more intimate. Of course, I've been talking about all of these things for a while -- pain and surviving abuse and fibromyalgia and exhaustion and the way everything ties together -- so I have a lot to say, I like the way people interrupt with their own connections and it feels very intimate the way we're sharing our struggles with pain and also abuse I feel more connected.

Afterwards, I'm right near Buena Vista Park and there's still a heat wave so I can't really resist climbing up -- it's only a few blocks away, but first I have to climb this steep hill yes I think the steps are helping. Up at the top I'm still at the bottom really, I mean I already have a glittering view of the city but this is still less than halfway up, just one of the entrances to the park so I'm sitting on the bench to rest for a few minutes, don't want to hurt my body or at least I'm hoping not to. Looking down at these mansion-type houses that look like movie sets. Then I'm in the park, always surprised at first at how dark it is on the path between trees. I get to the viewing bench without too much huffing and puffing, I sit down again and stare at the lights of the city. Then the most beautiful part really is when I get to the top, or not the exact top but the place where the cruising occurs, the way the lights of the city appear between trees I love that.

And there are actually people cruising -- pretty exciting considering how the internet has disappeared this kind of play in San Francisco at least, walking to the end of the strip I turn between trees and there’s one guy choking while this other guy’s really slamming his face I mean grabbing his head and just holding on. Pretty soon there are a bunch of guys around and someone's sucking my dick, way too soon I'm ready to come already so why not, I think. The guy is sweet and says thank you, then I'm back on the viewing bench eating food and maybe this is the best part, when I'm feeling connected to the park and to these guys walking between trees not as friendly as me but I can bring on some affection by repeated gestures -- the smile, the caress, the jokes, the laughter, the holding of hands -- things people don't do much here but that's what I'm bringing.

Later, I mean too much later -- when I've done the circuit way too many times and still I'm there looking for something more charged -- I mean, I've already gone back and forth between euphoria and disaster so many times. All it takes is a gesture of sweetness and then I'm loving the potential of bonding through gestures like this ritual is connecting us but then some snide grimace or someone who can't deal with a third person in the mix -- not even as a spectator -- and then I'm back to annoyance, my food is gone but still I'm walking in circles.

Eventually the same guy sucks me off again, which is kind of funny since usually I'm the one doing the sucking -- but anyway, he sucks me off and then I'm walking back to the viewing bench and there’s the scene of two guys who are probably boyfriends, matching outfits, acting like they're in a porn video with this other guy -- I mean they’re both sticking out their tongues and licking his nipples, one nipple each they’re framing him. I want to get a picture of this silliness, but I haven't figured out how to silence my shutter. Next time. Christopher Russell took this gorgeous series of photos with a hidden camera in Buena Vista Park and it will soon be published in a book called Landscape (I can't wait!), I remember thinking that some of the sex he captured looked so stagy, but I guess that's because that's the way these faggots do it.

Back on the bench, I'm exhausted and kind of sticky actually because it's so warm this global warming drama is ridiculous -- usually there's more air up in the park than down in the rest of the city, but tonight there's nothing circulating. Eventually I get down and my body hurts but maybe not too much really, I'm trying to appreciate the park -- looking up at the gorgeous trees, their dark silhouettes against a slightly lighter sky with stars in the distance.

2 comments:

queer said...

Oh, honey, I love this post.

It also makes me wish there was a place for dykes to cruise publicly. Or a mixed-genders queer cruising space. (Although apparently there was some dyke cruising thing in a park on Saturday night, which I didn't know about till after the fact...!)

Gender/orientation differences or not, what you highlight here is actually a lot of what I love about the few really good sex parties I've been to.

xox,
g.

mattilda a.k.a. matt bernstein sycamore said...

Gina darling --

I'm so glad you love this post! Of course, there should be public places for dyke cruising...

An overtly mixed-genders queer cruising space would also be lovely -- I wonder if such a place could also eliminate some of the awful parts of male/fag cruising spaces (the hyper-masculinity, the conformity, the bland consumer mentality, etc.). Maybe one day we will know...

Love --
mattilda