Saturday, May 19, 2007

Just you for that moment just you in that space



Staring at the beautiful orange sheets, the way the orange is my space in between the green and pink walls, all of these colors surrounding me. I want to focus on these soft colors instead of how awful I feel, I'm trying this new strategy of teaching myself not to get up in the middle of the night to piss so that I can sleep through and not get all wired, it's 12:30 p.m. now so I guess it actually worked last night except that it feels so awful. I get up to go to the bathroom, get back in bed -- yes, this soft bed, these soft sheets, pretty soon it's 2:45 I can't believe it's 2:45 and I still feel so awful.

Why has music deserted me, or why have I deserted music? Luckily today I’m remembering Adult, the first album even if it became too trendy to hear after a while now it's back to comfort me, those gorgeously alienating minimal ‘80s synthesizer beats, but most important the vocal:

Human wreck
Human wreck
Human wreck
Human human human wreck
Human human human wreck
Human human human wreck
Human human human wreck
I am -- a human wreck
you are -- a human wreck
I am -- a human wreck
you are -- a human wreck

How can I possibly resist such a gorgeous realism, or the tinny high-note ouchiness giving way to:


You don't even know
how I feel-ah
You don't even know
how I feel-ah
You don't even know
how I feel-ah
You don't even know
how I feel-ah
Naus-ee-ah
Naus-ee-ah
Naus-ee-ah

Then degenerating into a computer voice, it's all getting to the point where it's too much for the morning I'm already thinking about dancing moving my body in a different way getting wired, why not bring it a little further I pull out something from the hard clanky techno-side-of-house section of my cd rack, Robert Armani – lots of tracks I recognize like lots of Frankie Bones, we love Ms. Bones but this early in the morning?

The mix starts -- oh, it's too speedy, records played extra fast for the raver crowd although this is dark raver where the music stops but there's still something twisting cracking breaking in the background your head and still that feeling in your legs, dance. Oh, for those moments when you walk into the club and that song is only for you, oh how did the dj know, how on earth for that moment when sound and vision, lights and distance in your eyes that vision like a curtain parts and just you for that moment just you in that space eyes into the back of mind upwards soft crackly movement everywhere yes everywhere yes everything yes anything just for that moment, oh.

Of course, all of those dancing memories flooding me, new outfits in my head just for the entrance because sometimes the entrance is the only good part and then after that it's all downhill so you have to be prepared. Yes, I do want to go out -- I don't want to be so scared that just one person will be smoking and that will ruin my life. It didn't used to be that way. I need to eat something, my rice isn't ready yet so I make rice noodles to go with these beans on the new blue plate from Goodwill I love this blue plate sometimes I'm so easy to please. Beans with noodles is actually delicious, why doesn't anyone tell you that?

Except then I have to rush to shit, nothing terribly unusual until I notice the water from the toilet is pouring into the hall.

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