Wednesday, May 23, 2007

That desperate feeling like I'm ready to throw myself off the building and just glide down through that cushiony air as the revolution grasps me

I really wish that signing a contract with City Lights would mean that I didn't have to deal with everything else, I mean I wish I wasn't feeling so absolutely terrible, overwhelmed by the tiniest things, exhaustion surrounding me, my body so much more fragile than I thought it was while traveling I thought I was getting stronger but now I just feel pain.

I'm trying to get to the bank before they close, outside in the sun I don't know about this sun there are no buses coming and this is the time when there aren't any taxis either, actually a few taxis drive by but I'm too tired to get up. Eventually the Geary bus comes, then I'm on Van Ness and that bus comes too so I actually get to the bank, not sure if I'm relieved or not. The bank: I have to sound extra-annoyed in order to get anyone to do anything, the way privilege works. They're looking at me like what do you mean the account was supposed to be closed in February and someone has been making fraudulent charges? Yes, that's what I said -- fraudulent charges, February 5. The manager doesn't have a clue what to do, I'm supposed to fill out some papers to dispute the charges, maybe I can do it on the phone. She says at least you can laugh about it, some people can't take it they start crying.

Back at home, I'm on the phone with the bank, I mean I'm on hold with some terribly familiar movie classical music, maudlin violin crap on a loop or something -- the kind of music they give me that desperate feeling like I'm ready to throw myself off the building and just glide down through that cushiony air as the revolution grasps me in its Burberry arms and we run through the Irish countryside in the monsoon. Someone on the other side of that hold music who doesn't know what he's doing, a half hour of insisting on reversal of charges and all I get is a different number that I have to call tomorrow because they're already closed.

I really wish I didn't feel so bad, but you know that. The good news is that I get to the hair salon on time, this is a different day of course -- of course I can't get there the same evening, after the imperial guards tear off my Audrey Hepburn wig and buildings are collapsing due to the Siberian tornado season. Anyway, I get there on time -- getting my hair cut is like a social event at the right time of the day and then I'm on Haight Street thinking I should do something before going home except that I know I'm going to crash soon and then I crash on Market Street, staring out at the few remaining gorgeous and decrepit old buildings probably soon to be torn down for condos, more condos -- the end of San Francisco, that's what it may be.

2 comments:

grantatee said...

i wish i could give you a hug right now. i'm sorry about the hassle with the bank. you described that so well.. having to sound extra annoyed to get anyone to do anything.

and i could totally relate when you said: staring out at the few remaining gorgeous and decrepit old buildings probably soon to be torn down for condos, more condos -- the end of San Francisco, that's what it may be. i love love love these buildings, there is some feeling of history to them that i dont know about and they are beautiful and goregous and serve such a purpose and one by one they are being closed down and for lease and the one now on ninth and market is being torn down for condos, to match the development right across the street...

xo,
g

mattilda a.k.a. matt bernstein sycamore said...

Grant, darling --

Yes, you know EXACTLY what I mean -- thanks for the understanding and insight.

Love --
mattilda