Sunday, June 17, 2007

After the show

The new show I curated, Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots? (The Sequel), happened earlier tonight, and I want to write about how amazing and inspiring and emotional it was, but instead I find myself in a familiar place of complete exhaustion, so drained that now I can’t even write notes really. As soon as I got home, I got in the shower, thinking that hot water would ease the pain from sitting in a chair with armrests because I didn't know where to rest my arms, I mean they couldn't just rest and that's what gave me pain. I stood in the shower for a while, but actually just standing was hurting too. Plus, I moved a few things around in the theater that I shouldn't have lifted, nothing heavy but still -- then, standing at a mike always gives me pain because of the awkward posture. And carrying a heavy bag on the way to the show. Performing always gives me pain too, it's all of the energy I have to channel and the channeling does feel incredible, in the moment I feel glamorous and almost invincible but then the moment ends. After the show and a really sweet discussion, all these people were talking about what they were doing next and all I could think was I need to get home now.

Now I'm home and everything hurts, it's all familiar but still overwhelming, that eyes-glazing-over feeling competing with the headache while and staring at the computer. But I will write more soon about the show, all of the beauty and inspiration since right now I have this cramp in my stomach or intestines, all of this digestive drama I've been having recently. I'm having this moment of self-consciousness about this entry for anyone who might have been at the show and might be reading this blog for the first time and might not know that I'm constantly dealing with all of this chronic pain/fibromyalgia exhaustion drama that wraps around me, keeps wrapping around me even when it lets up it still lingers. It doesn't mean the show -- and especially the engagement and connection in the room -- wasn't amazing, it just means that I need to wait before I have the energy to write more about it. Last night was a terrible night of sleep, I'm hoping tonight is better.

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