Sunday, June 03, 2007

That first cocktail

Okay, every now and then I like to go to Borders just to see what crazy shit they have on display, like David Hasselhoff's autobiography on the front table -- it's literally called Don’t Hassel the Hoff -- what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Wait: who the fuck is David Hasselhoff? I read the bio: Baywatch, Knight Rider -- Knight Rider, my sister and I used to watch that amazing piece of high art, before we got into V, where the aliens peeled off their skin in search of something deeper.

But then I'm looking at the magazines, I like to look at the gay crap to see what's been reviewed, but then I'm reading some of the articles too. First I look at Curve, and I'm surprised to see that there’s actually an article that kind of mentions the consolidation of the independent press, something I've been meaning to write about -- they don't use those words or anything, but it's kind of an article.

Nothing in Out could possibly pass as an article, it's the hot issue and I can't figure out what is hot about any of these people or who they are or why we're supposed to care. Genre has an article that’s surprisingly critical of the term "LGBT" as something that doesn't mean anything, but then the writer seems to prefer gay, of all things. I might be getting hypoglycemic, but I think he says that we know there's a gay community because of all that feeling or connection or something at Pride celebrations. Um, that would be Budweiser.

Meanwhile, Instinct, the trashiest of the gay glossies, but the one I actually prefer in some ways because it doesn't pretend to be anything but trash -- Instinct has a back page essay by none other than testosterone-infused punk rocker Henry Rollins. I guess he has a talk show now, I saw ads for it on billboards in New York. The column starts out surprisingly okay, I mean a basic leftist rant but then in the middle it turns into some garbage supporting gay marriage -- oh no, the nightmare of straight leftists trying to be supportive of the gays without connecting their leftist politics to their supposed support!

But my favorite is a column by Lady Bunny in Genre, which starts out as a queeny rant against the military -- I'm actually impressed -- until all the sudden Lady Bunny says she doesn't generally like to support politics but we need more feminine energy in the White House, and then the column turns into a plug for none other than warmonger Hillary Clinton.

At this point, I'm thinking that going out for cocktails might be a great idea, a few cocktails, just a few cocktails, right? Is this just extreme hypoglycemia, or a result of all the shirtless, musclebound men in all the ads and photo spreads, those images that always make me feel vaguely horny but mostly desperate and alone? Plus, the articles that start with a valid critique and then go terribly wrong, like that first cocktail that leads to the second that leads to the third that leads to some terrible coke den staring at the wall because I'm so wired I can't speak.

Luckily, I get home without further incident.


Alex Blaze said...


You shouldn't read that sort of thing, Mattilda, it'll warp your mind.

Totally see what you mean about those "hot guys"; I don't think I've ever seen body hair in one of those magazines. Although I do like Tetu....

Hmmm... issues with connection at Pride - so much possibility, but, and I don't know why, it always falls short for me. Something about making Paris Hilton the grand marshall of LA Pride a few years back just made the whole thing seem like a commercialized sham. I tend to feel more "community" (is that something one can feel?) at a bathhouse....

Maybe I'm too demanding of Pride, and I should just take it for what it is: a source of free stickers.

Either way, Bil working me at Indy Pride this year.

mattilda a.k.a. matt bernstein sycamore said...

Hi Alex --

You're right -- I shouldn't read that dangerous garbage...

And yes, pride is nothing but a commercialized sham -- absolutely!

As for moments of community in public sex spaces, I'm always searching for those -- although they've become less and less frequent, unfortunately.

Perhaps I should visit the bathhouses in Indiana...

Love --

Larry-bob said...

Dave White was the only writer worth reading in Instinct, and he's not writing for them anymore.

Was Borders displaying the new Sarah Schulman novel? I suspect they weren't... At least they stocked it at A Different Lite.

mattilda a.k.a. matt bernstein sycamore said...

Hi Larry-bob--

Great to hear from you! My favorite writer at Instinct was the one who said, of Pulling Taffy, "you'll have to soak your hands in disinfectant afterwards."

And as for the Sarah Schulman novel at Borders, it was actually face-out in the "gay/lesbian" section, actually I think it was in "gay fiction."

Love --