Thursday, June 14, 2007

These routine things, it all adds up




Nightmares all night long, maybe that's why I wake up after 11 hours in bed and kind of a lot of sleep feeling utterly hopeless, like I won't wake up all day and then even when I'm lying in the sun out on the fire escape I still feel drained. Laundry, that doesn't help. Then I'm home, thinking there's no possibility of anything, really, except the way it feels like my bones are cutting into my muscles or just me I guess, which part is me? I decide to put on this movie Chris gave me -- I don't usually watch DVDs because I get too conscious of sitting still and staring at the screen, in a theater it's different because of the experience of it all but at home I don't relate to it.

But I'm so exhausted, I figure why not -- I put on Chain, by Jem Cohen, all of these gorgeous and horrifying landscapes of prefab stores and malls and office towers like still photography except faster because something moves. In the middle of the movie is when I'm feeling lighter, even in the coldness of desperation -- but then that fades and it's just desperation again because the movie's going on too long, I mean it should have ended earlier with a sharper cut, like the juxtaposition of the sun behind a demolished fill-in-the-blank prefab thing or really any of these incredible layerings of crumble over glossiness under the other surfaces. But it goes on too long, like there's an extra half hour just to make it feature-length -- too long for me and my ergonomic desk chair, rolling around to different positions -- at least my body doesn't hurt like it does in the theater, or I mean not my muscles from sitting but I get to that place where my eyes start to hurt, then it feels like the muscles between neck and shoulders are connecting wrong because of carrying the laundry I guess or trying to figure out why the modem behind my desk wasn't working -- these are the things that destroy my life, and of course the place above my eyes, burrowing into my skull this fog.

Then I'm stretching on the floor, I mean on a mat on the floor -- don't worry, I still have a mat -- there's so much pain in all of these upper body muscles, more than it's been in a while I guess because of these things: laundry, groceries, the modem, was there something else? Oh -- typing a little bit at the internet café, maybe. Putting the sheets on the bed. Taking the ladder out to change the lightbulb in the bathroom. Taking my laptop out to see if maybe I could get wireless. Putting the laptop back. Now there is burning in my right arm, one tendon spasming although if I close my eyes and breathe then it's as if my whole body pulsates and that's okay. These are routine things, I know, routine things I know, I know these routine things. It all adds up, I don't like the way it adds up.

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