Monday, August 20, 2007

An outfit, that kind of outfit

I'm on the BART, how can the BART be so slow -- I mean, we haven't even gotten to West Oakland. I'm trying to look at this excursion as an adventure -- I'm heading over to Steamworks to see what sex there is like, and it's early too -- way too early but the BART closes and I don't want to be in a rush, since I have to catch a cab from the BART to Steamworks -- and then, afterwards, I have to catch a cab back to the BART. I'm telling myself it's like traveling, it's an adventure -- it'll be fun even if it isn't fun.

It isn't fun, and it's not fun. I'm way too hypoglycemic -- I mean it's like I'm walking around in the maze area, someone is touching me and then I just can't deal -- oh, I need to eat again. After something that I guess resembles sex, except that I'm not really enjoying it, I'm sitting on the metal chair looking up at the porn and then not looking up just looking down and thinking how depressing this is, I mean that these spaces just feel depressing now. Even when people are paying attention to me -- I don't know, maybe I'm just not attracted to anyone here, but of course there's something bigger -- so many years of going to these places and it's become harder to blend into this unemotive, unquestioning, compulsory masculinity everyone is giving and living for -- I mean it's harder not to blend in, then I'm blending and I just feel shut off, like what is this for?

The good thing is that I don't really care what people are thinking, I'm sitting in that little room on the mesh metal chair making small circles with my pelvis in a feldenkrais way, wondering if sex like this is just a dead end and someone comes over, it's this guy whose dick I was sucking earlier but he smelled too much like the chlorine of the hot tub, it was kind of making me nauseous. He sits next to me and I say this music must be from 1998 because I recognize the songs, and I haven't gone out regularly since 2000 -- maybe 1997, no I think 1998. He says like "What is love -- baby don't hurt me?" I say no that's more like radio house, this is something from the clubs but what is it?

I say why can't everyone just have sex in public, I mean even in public they’re hiding in corners it's annoying me. He’s touching me softly and I close my eyes, this feels more intimate I'm relaxing into it, soon I just want him to get down to my dick so I pull the towel open, he's there first with his hand saying oh I see, you like people to watch. They are watching and then his head is down there too, everything is slow until it's fast and then I pull his head away and shoot onto the floor, everyone who's watching walks away.

It's funny -- sitting with this guy, now I'm kind of hugging him and we're critiquing the porn -- why can’t the whole place be like this, campy comments and a little intimacy, humanity, a personal connection -- I mean, I actually feel human again, instead of shut off and distant and despondent. I take this guy into my room to give him my number and then he's on top of me on the bed I say stop, you're messing up my hair -- and then we're both giggling but also I'm tired, always tired yes tired and I have to get back to the BART. We hug goodbye -- I doubt he'll call me, but then he spots me in the bathroom doing my hair -- oh, I say -- I guess someone left this hairspray here for me. I say wait a minute give me one more hug!

Outside waiting for the cab, I still don't know if the whole thing was worth it -- someone wants to know if this is an outfit. I say this is how I look every day, I mean it is an outfit, because I need an outfit every day. He says oh okay -- well, I thought it was an outfit, like for going out -- that kind of outfit.


JordanV said...

When I have been to the baths, I am sort of shocked by the amount of unsafe sex occuring. I do support consenting adults doing what evr they please. Of course you need a new outfit everyday!!

mattilda a.k.a. matt bernstein sycamore said...

Hi Jordan --

You're right -- there is a lot of fucking without condoms occurring in public sex spaces, what strikes me as disturbing is when there is a presumption/assumption that this is the way it will occur, i.e. that consent is already given for both the fucking and the fucking without condoms... but this is a many-layered conundrum, the nightmare of gay male sexual culture...

And thank you for the affirmation about the outfits, yes outfits...

Love --