Friday, August 24, 2007

What it takes

Out of range -- that's what I'm thinking, right after feldenkrais I feel light with possibility but so soon it fades for this sinus headache, mind closing in collapse. No, that's not right -- right after feldenkrais I feel terrible and confused, but then that clears and when I get home I feel slightly manic -- wait, what's slightly manic? Okay, maybe I feel manic with possibility -- until, well, you know what happens. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do, I mean what I can do.

These moments every day sometimes most of the day yes often most of the day but then yesterday I went out to dinner with two people I'd never met before, Mark and Dan from Australia, and the whole time I felt like I had energy I had so much to say. Even when I checked in with myself, I thought breathe, how are you doing, I felt like I was doing okay -- we went on a walk and I showed them Polk Street which isn't really Polk Street anymore I mean this was the first time when nothing about it really felt like Polk Street, just like it's over. Maybe there's that porn shop owned by the same company that owns almost all the video booth stores in the Bay Area, a few vacant storefronts, Kimo’s with some of the displaced older gay men inside – the same Kimo’s that displayed a marquee for months that said Gavin Newsom for Governor, then Gavin Newsom for President. Otherwise, various types of hipster bars and yuppie consumption -- maybe the cops arrived just before us, no one on the street really.

Then the Australians went home and I called Jessica to leave a message and in the middle of my sentence I just couldn't think anymore, so exhausted from entertaining or performing but it's neither really I mean it's both -- what it takes for me to go out in the world, to engage and then I'm left with nothing except this headache.

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