Monday, September 17, 2007

Here there's more possibility

A back room, oh a back room -- yes, a back room! It's downstairs in the basement, very dark at first I can’t even tell if anyone's doing anything I'm waiting for the bathroom -- that's what I'm doing. There's a glory hole in the door, except it's too close to the corner wall jutting out to really get anything inside except maybe an umbrella, yes an umbrella -- does anyone have an umbrella? There's someone else waiting, we're talking about the hole -- he says it looks painful because it's jagged at the edges, but then I feel it and it's actually smooth.

After the bathroom, I'm trying to check out the three guys standing together in the corner on the other side, but they're working some kind of exclusivity thing so I sit on the bench next to the guy who was waiting with me, who's soon sucking my dick but he’s not very good at it -- teeth -- but he is good at grabbing my head while he's fucking my face, I'm on my knees now and he holds the top of my head from both sides and guides me, I like the support maybe my neck won't hurt afterwards even though afterwards is quite a long time away, really a long time I'm questioning my commitment though I like the way we're in the only well-lit area of the room so that everyone walking downstairs sees the spectacle of it all, the way he's holding my head I'm sweating yes his come really into my throat then I'm up grabbing his head making out furiously his bouncy lips I love love love this energy.

Then he's gone, I put my hand on the guy who used to be next to him -- this guy's nervous now, without the other guy to suck his dick he's standing up to go I stand up too, make my way to the center where there are new arrivals, is that my ex-boyfriend standing next to me? I smile really wide, but I can't tell because of the full facial hair, I've never seen him with full facial hair that's the look these days or at least at this club I'm not exactly feeling that look but what surprises me is that I kind of think it would be funny to have sex with Jeremy, that's my ex-boyfriend name, ex from maybe five years ago now, the only time I've seen him in the last few years was right outside my apartment he said how are you. I was wearing gym clothes, I said I can't believe I haven't seen you in so long and I'm wearing this. I don't think he'd noticed what I was wearing, he said how are you. I said I'm great, really great. That was all -- I felt horrible, I didn't feel great about anything I crashed and couldn't go to the gym, the gym that was hurting my body anyway instead of helping me feel better, even though I was just doing 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, maybe up to 20 minutes on the stationary bike to try to get some exercise but then I decided it was making everything worse.

Anyway, maybe this is Jeremy or maybe it's not -- I decide to grab the guy's head who's sucking maybe-Jeremy's cock, figuring that's engaged yet somewhat neutral gesture I'm not sure if maybe he thinks I’d think it was messy if we had sex in a back room after not talking for two years -- at the moment it feels like it would be hilarious, but maybe this is just a moment anyway the moment’s over because maybe-Jeremy moves away, maybe it wasn't him anyway then I'm sucking the guy's dick who was sucking Jeremy's dick -- no, his dick wasn't sucking Jeremy's dick, he was -- or wait, maybe they were making out, someone else was sucking this guy's no Jeremy's dick maybe both of them were getting sucked yes I think that's what it was. Grammar gets so complicated here in back rooms, yes I'm finally in a back room it feels like it's been forever, forever is the way I'm sucking this guy's dick, not as all-encompassing as the last guy because this guy’s dick is skinnier he's not slamming my head I'm rubbing his legs grabbing his ass really feeling it also feeling my performance. Not my performance like someone's watching, even though someone's probably watching, but my performance like how attentive I am to his arousal until really I need to stand, up into his arms he's kissing the guy next to him then he pulls away I'm kissing him his throat opens wide so much space I love this space then he's sucking my tongue in this is fun too -- so much making out, usually in back rooms guys are scared to kiss but maybe I'm just used to the Nob Hill Theatre, that's no back room just walking in circles, open the cubicle and maybe let something through.

Here it's the building of it all like when I grab the other guy 's head, the one who was kissing this guy before me -- grab his head so we can all make out, he's got the scenester facial hair full beard thing usually I'm not feeling that it reminds me of my father but now I just want the charge of all of us together, it's hard to make out with two people at once the entrances to spit tongues open mouths become confused so then I'm kissing one guy's neck, then the other. This one has to go, I say where you going? He says my friend’s waiting for me, he gave me the signal 10 minutes ago I'm making him wait. I grab his head again, he's more clean-cut than the rest that’s the look he's working or maybe not working then I'm kissing the guy with facial hair, grabbing his head I just love grabbing guys’ heads!

Then I'm too hot, I say I need to get some water -- this guy's going somewhere too -- where are you going? He shrugs his shoulders -- just around, he says -- I like that his voice is queeny even with the facial hair, I say I'll be back. Then I'm waiting for the bathroom again, it's taking a while I look in the hole and see there’s a whole group -- let me in, I say. Okay, one of them says -- then I'm in -- I need some water! It's a coke party, that's clear right away -- oh, water -- that's what one of them says, there's water in there. He points to the toilet. No thanks, I say -- I just need one of these cups -- looking around for which one looks least dirty. He says there's a burrito in there, he means the toilet -- I say I can't really digest burritos, maybe if there were steamed vegetables.

Oh, these shady queens -- I remember doing coke with these queens, not these queens exactly just queens like them -- mostly in New York -- I'd get too high they would chatter on about the most horrible things and all I could do was wait for the next bump, wait until it was time and then maybe I'd get 5 or 10 seconds of something like clarity maybe the opposite a blast of brightness then I'd have to try and talk again.

Back rooms were always the places that saved me from draining drugs and disembodied small talk, luckily I'm back in the back room, up against the back wall where there's this incredibly hot guy sucking my dick, he might be someone I met before -- short guy kind of stocky or maybe built I'm not sure but what I am sure about is that he's sucking my dick his mouth opens like that guy I was making out with, magical space I love that space until he chokes and then I love the choking that's good too he stands up I've got my hands all over his face, tongue licking the roof of his mouth yes I love it but then he says I can't and starts to go -- where are you going? Upstairs, he says -- do you want to eat my come, I say -- no reason for subtlety now, now when I'm finally ready since before I wasn't totally hard maybe because I'm hypoglycemic but anyway I ask him if he wants to eat my come, he says yes then he's down on his knees again sucking then grabbing my dick with his hand too but I pull his hand away, it's hotter without it then he's standing up again what is it that makes him the hottest one here for me -- it's so strange the way attraction works, something about the shape of his head, compact body short hair in my hands and the way he hugs me but then he's running upstairs.

These girls -- whatever for these girls and their guilt or their friends or boyfriends or whatever, someone else is sucking my dick now he's really slamming it I mean he's a pro he doesn't choke or anything but the slamming is kind of bothersome almost ouch. Someone's flickering the lights -- I don't know what that means -- the facial hair make-out guy is getting his dick sucked by another slammer I mean really a slammer -- usually you think about the guy getting sucked as the slammer but here in the back room glamour it's the aggressive cocksucker who's slamming. I'm wondering if I get that way -- better pay attention. Anyway, I'm making out with the facial hair guy, someone else has his fingers at my asshole sort of annoying but also sort of hot, the other slammer sucking my dick until my boyfriend's back, I lean over to whisper in his ear again, he's back on his knees, my hands under his neck he's pushing my hands really tight around his neck that’s hot too -- I mean I like that, someone else's hands on my neck like that wow I'm so close in his throat until -- is the really getting up again? I can't, he says Okay, I say, hugging him he reaches his hands up my shirt then he's running away again someone's down here to tell us we've gotta go, people are going I'm just laughing.

Some queen is snapping photos -- she says do you want to be in a photo. She’s shady I can tell -- the tone of voice -- and her friend is one of those types that can only do one thing -- slide upper lip into nose -- that half-grunt, even though he's working the casual masculinity gym-toned trophy image the attitude is all middle-class bitchiness, probably he doesn't know that. The photographer says it's for the German magazine Stern -- he wants a shot of my butt. Please, I say -- Stern is like Time. Then I'm making fun of him, clocking him with other mainstream German publications -- are you sure it's not for Der Speigel or Die Zeit? He doesn't know what to do, especially when the chair he's sitting on literally cracks in half -- that's the second person who's fallen all the way to the floor, the first one was some guy who fell down the stairs, I mean really fell so that when I was sucking that first guy's dick I took a break to say are you okay?

Upstairs, the bathroom burrito guy is giving me more shade, she says oh, where were you? What, I say -- did my hair get messed up? He says I think I see pubic hair. I say oh, you must be a stylist. He says I see a stylist. I say well maybe I saw you there.

I can play along, but it's just lowest common denominator , like she says are you new around here -- I haven't seen you out. I say that's because I don't go out. She says don't tell me you go out in the Castro! I say no, I just don't go out. She doesn't know what to do with that.

Anyway then I'm outside, walking home and I think of stopping at Frenchie’s to get sucked off because now I’m actually craving that orgasm-type thing but then outside Frenchie’s there are way too many hustler/drug dealer/addict types I'm getting exhausted then at home I end up jerking off on the phone sex line this guy makes gulping sounds with his lips while I'm coming -- annoying -- I'm up way too late, 5 a.m. that orgasm was terrible why did I think I needed it? Everything else was enlivening that crazed contact passing between bodies, one to the other oh the comfort and splendor why not more back rooms in San Francisco, I need more back rooms I mean maybe they'd solve that problem of how to have good sex again -- connected driven sex even if there is disconnect around me I just channel everything and stay there so present. Still I'd need to find a way to have good sex with people I actually know and like and maybe even love but good sex is a good start, right? Often I don't even feel like I get anything from desire just a longing for something more than longing, here there’s more possibility.

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