Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Like my childhood like nothing is possible

Heat wave drama: even the breeze is warm. The good news is that this is when we're supposed to have heat waves -- September, right? All my heat-wave-friendly friends are getting excited, I'm sure -- just last week what we had a fall day, everyone was freaking out -- are you ready for the rain? Of course I'm ready for the rain -- we haven't had rain in six months, except for a few freakshow East Coast humidity thunderstorm moments. Yes, I'm ready for the rain!

I always wonder about these people -- why not move to Southern California, they have this weather all the time. Then I remember that right, people in San Francisco are not only here for the weather, which is a good thing, right? Anyway, I'm ready for the heat wave drama to end, especially since my mother is coming to visit this week and I've told her I can meet up at 5 p.m. but if it's this hot then who knows. Yes, my mother is coming to visit -- I know the pattern, I'll feel connected to her in certain ways and then when she leaves I’ll feel this unbearable sadness like my childhood like nothing is possible like I'll never feel good again in my life like why would I want to feel good in my life when this hopelessness is reality, luckily only the reality of my relationship with my mother I mean the hopelessness of it ever becoming something deep since she won't acknowledge anything or actually now she'll acknowledge some things like our family wasn't a great place to grow up, but not the deep deep issues like that web of sexual violence she and my father crafted, still surrounding me in these moments of hopelessness.

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