Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Eyelashes like plates

Waking up too early I know it's too early because I'm wired so soon the wired will turn to wires-blasted-out, luckily I force myself back into something that turns deep. Although why all these terrible dreams about my father, mother, sister -- terrible because they're so stressful like in one my sister says you can talk to Dad about it and that’s the punchline because of course I'll never talk to my father, waking up a little I realize the other layer, because in the dream maybe he wasn't dead just dead-to-me.

But I can't get out of bed from that, luckily I go right back into something else, I'm walking along the bay in San Francisco where there’s a wall, right along the water I'm walking on that wall. In the water an older guy is teaching little kids to snorkel, gross they're snorkeling in the bay with thick gray water -- I'm worried some of it will get on my legs as the kids exhale in bubbles and spray so I'm walking faster, to the corner where the bay stops like any ordinary street. Some teenagers are harassing me, something about how that's not a boy or a girl which is strange to me because I'm only wearing boxers, nothing else my hair is even straight down in my face. Maybe it's like when I was a kid, they can always tell.

Then another dream where I'm going back to school, I'm always going back to school in my dreams what is that all about? Sometimes it's college but it can be high school too -- and I actually finished high school -- maybe something about an unfinished childhood or my life not lived the way it was supposed to be, going back to finish it? Anyway there's another one of these dreams, something stressful with my mother and sister but then the last dream is more uplifting, after a reading I ask some people if they want to go for a swim, maybe that's why I'm only wearing boxers or maybe now I’m dressed again and the other dream was something else. We go to someone's private pull where an older queen was cruising me earlier but now it's just the pool, it's kind of tiny we can only fit our legs in – fag writers of different ages and styles and sensibilities and we're sitting with our feet in the pool, my sister is there in the kitchen with this gorgeous blue glittery lipstick, I say wow can I try that lipstick -- I always used to look for blue lipstick that actually covers but then it turns out it's like the others, it works over my sister’s big silver fake eyelashes like plates but not over my lips, just glitter. She says you can use our passcard if you want, though we'll need to use it later -- she means the passcard for the pool on the roof of the building where my father used to have an office, until he died that is and maybe she and my mother need to get in later. I think about it, but I guess that pool isn't heated though I like this moment of togetherness with my sister much better than the other dreams where we’re apart, here she’s even getting dressed like me -- I'm the one who would wear fake eyelashes like plates, blue lipstick that covers.

2 comments:

Kathleen Bradean said...

I have those stress dreams too. For mine, I'm back at a place I used to work. The Hideous Troll was an abusive drunk, and his minion, the Princess of Darkness, must have been a prison matron in another life.
I'm always horrified that I fell back in their clutches, but I try to do my best and prove that I can be a professional despite how they treat me. Then at some point I regain my sanity and walk out.
So maybe those are empowerment dreams. Maybe those are reminders that we can move on. But in the middle of the night, when your stomach is messed up from the stress and your teeth hurt from clenching them so hard, that's small comfort.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Kathleen, oh no -- thanks for sharing, indeed I totally understand. I have these dreams where I'm moving back to DC where I grew up and I'm getting an apartment and I'm finishing high school! Sometimes I am in the school and I go to the bathroom and it's a cruising area which severed cocks in the urinals... Or, I can't tell you how many different college dreams I have, oh no the colleges in my dreams! Not of my dreams, that's for sure -- just in them...

Love --
mattilda