Monday, October 15, 2007

Gender without sex

Sometimes I want gender without sex – gender that makes me feel glamorous and invincible even when I'm surrounded by disdain. I never hate myself because of my gender -- of course this took a long time. With sex I'm more confused, often there’s this sudden burst of masculinity I wonder how much is something that's part of me and how much is something I've learned from 12 years of turning tricks and longer than that cruising public sex environments. I wonder whether it matters. I wonder if I'll ever know the difference between what I want and what I want to be -- sexually, that is -- a mad explosion of lusty camaraderie or a pretty girl swept up in the heat of passion. Not that I can't be both at the same time, just that I'm not sure if I would recognize the space where this is possible. Except in those moments where it floods my senses and suddenly my body becomes this place of glamour and invincibility even when I'm surrounded by disdain, so okay it can happen from sex or gender it's just that gender is more dependable.

Sometimes gender can be more aloof, safer in that way even when it doesn't make me safer in the world except in how it allows my experience to radiate something glowing don't touch. But I want touch -- not the violence of the everyday, I mean I want to transform the everyday into something touching. I mean that in my body too often I'm lonely. In public sex spaces this loneliness couples with presence or the two alternate, sometimes just when I think I've found that perfect moment I descend into the worst crash -- mostly it's the codes of masculinity that break me, especially when I find that I'm following them maybe not in ways that everyone can see but still I'm following. This gives me something like survival maybe satisfaction occasionally bliss but rarely any beauty lasting more than a few hours. Instead I want the beauty to build until I’m filled with everything that matters.


gina said...

"...transform the everyday into something touching."
oh how i want that too.
i love you--

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Gina, I'm glad you like that part -- it was one of those moments when I thought, wait is that really what I mean? Because it breaks with what I'm literally saying to literally say something else -- of course, those are the best moments in writing...

Love --