Friday, October 12, 2007

Looking out with a different view until it's time to eat and again my head feels blasted away

Did I ever tell you about the guy who lives a few doors down from Donna, the feldenkrais practitioner? The first time I saw him was when he was digging up the ground in front of his house, I didn't think much about it until he looked right up into my eyes I almost blushed. After that I've paid attention -- if the blinds aren't drawn, I look into his house and try to find him. Sometimes I see sports on a huge flatscreen tv, other times he drives up in a spotless medium green vintage Mercedes with two little girls who I'm guessing are his daughters -- these details are not very promising, but I decided I could have an affair anyway with some rich gay dad who looks me in the eyes like I matter, like I'm special, like I'm making an impact.

More recently, though, I've spotted someone who's probably his wife -- she's not as friendly, actually she won't even meet your eyes when you say hello, I know it's her because she arrives with the same daughters but a different car -- an ugly gray minivan-SUV-type thing -- then she goes into the same house and immediately draws the blinds, there are those ones made of dark wooden slats that roll up instead of just sliding up when you pull the string which doesn't totally makes sense with this fancy house but then I haven't seen the inside yet. Once I even saw them exiting together, they did look like husband and wife it was hard to tell if they liked one another. Today I'm walking up the hill and I see the guy pulling the recycling bins into the back yard, he's much skinnier than I remembered, almost delicately skinny from the back and I guess I've missed him until he comes back out, loose V-neck sweater and pants like khakis only grayer, face unshaven dark brown hair and then that smile and his eyes get big and excited, he says which house do you live in? Oh, I don't live here, I say -- I'm just visiting. I’ve stopped right in front of him, so flirtatious those eyes I'm ready for whatever is possible. He says oh, you visit a lot -- his emphasis is on visit, like it's something mischievous I'm doing and then he smiles again and moves back towards his house as I'm trying to figure out a way to introduce myself.

At Donna's, I can't help wishing I had an address nearby, I could say: come over sometime. Feldenkrais is always so many moods, from frustration to exhaustion to anger to relaxation to excitement to hope, back to exhaustion and frustration but also excitement and hope and when I leave it's like I'm walking on different feet or maybe the same feet but they’re just gliding motion evenly pressed and I even feel good while I'm getting groceries until the cab ride home and the driver’s smoking, he says something about throwing the cigarette out the window so that's what I figure he's done until I notice he's still holding it, out the window, and then I think he's thrown it out again but I realized too late that he's smoking the whole time, I mean I thought the pollution around me was the fuel tank or the exhaust or something, at least when I walk into the lobby of my building there are other chemicals to attend to: the new carpet -- I forget about the smoke, rushing to close my door so the chemicals don't get inside but I've already crashed, face flattened I'm thinking this is the crash from feldenkrais because that's how it works so fast from high to low that means time to relax and recover and let my body learn. Then I realize the exhaustion is dramatically centered in my sinuses, could it be the legacy of the cab ride and the carpet fumes so soon, why so soon?

I'm trying to remember that it's okay to collapse, what I'm thinking about is getting in bed but then I'm worried I'll have trouble sleeping later it's already almost 10 p.m. so I decide to meditate, that should be a good idea. I throw on some Laurent Garnier that I haven't listened to in a while, it kind of sounds like meditation music with the ebb and flow and running water sounds, birds too but after a while it's too much, the building techno beat just building my headache until I've kind of gotten to that place where I just watch the colors rotating and swirling around one another under my eyelids, I mean I am there and when I open my eyes all the colors are in many places at once, atoms vibrating yes I lean on the kitchen table looking out with a different view until it's time to eat and again my head feels blasted away not calm or illuminated but grinding right at the sinuses and everything else shut down. Earlier I was planning on going somewhere to see what kind of music they play, undoubtedly a scenester nightmare with djs from London but I was wondering if I might like the music, that's what I was realizing that I miss the music of going out, the rush of beats pounding through sound system into me, yes me -- hopefully not dancing too much just listening feeling the high. But now I'm not so sure -- with my sinuses blasted open and closed, open and closed -- I'm not sure it's the best idea but this headache right here isn't so great either.

Then what's going on -- it's non-stop shitting, I mean I have to rush to the bathroom five times in a row and still my stomach isn't settled. Oh, no -- it's that wired going-out edginess, wait am I going out?

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