Monday, October 15, 2007

Maybe I wouldn't be in any pain if I just wore heels all the time

I'm leaving my mother's room, and there's this huge cement step to get out, maybe 4 feet high and I'm wondering how she gets out every day. Then I'm in a bus on the highway on the top of a cliff, the bus is turning and it starts to go off the road, slightly uphill and then I can feel it’s about to go down, I'm in the front right seat and I'm wondering if I should have sat further to the back, would that have mattered? This is what falling feels like, I'm thinking probably I'm about to die, wondering how much it will hurt until I realize that just a few moments ago I was lying in bed wired so I can't really be on the bus already. So instead I think about where I want the bus to fall, into water -- no, that would still kill me -- then it's like there's this intense wind blowing me backwards I can't get it to stop I'm on the sofa hugging the special foam pillow, my sister behind me, my father behind her, that worn beige living room sofa we used to have but I guess this one's longer – I’m trying to sleep, but I'm blowing so far backwards that the seatbelt is pulling into my hips, no I can't really have a seatbelt on in bed, can I?

I check -- I do have a seatbelt on -- it hurts. This is when I'm deep asleep, because I really believe it until I wake up a bit, am I holding my legs in some terrible way? I try tensening them further, to help me relax -- that's feldenkrais -- and then there are huge vicious long-haired black dogs about to bite the bottoms of my feet with their fangs, no please no until I'm walking around in the top of an ornate black ball gown but just shimmery silver lamé bloomers below, cha-cha heels through a posh mall like one of the where I used to cruise the bathrooms when I was in high school, it was called Mazza Gallery. Today there are underwear models of all different genders, sitting at a table dressed kind of similar to me is what I think and this makes me feel comfortable. I'm walking all over Chicago in these heels, I never would've thought heels would be this comfortable -- I mean, I'm in no pain at all, maybe I wouldn't be in any pain if I just wore heels all the time -- I'm back in the full ball gown now, looking for copies of Nobody Passes with my mother who wants to buy one for my aunt but the store is sold out, she’s still scouring the shelves and I'm impatient -- they said they were sold out, that's what I'm saying. But then it turns out that someone's putting four copies on the shelf right now -- that's a good sign, it means it's selling well -- and my mother grabs them right from the bookstore employee, I'll take all four she says. Somehow I end up walking all the way back across Chicago, through the Copley Plaza sky mall in Boston, to the hotel but when I get there I realize we were supposed to take the subway, now my mother won't know where I am -- neither of us have a phone, and even if she did have a phone she wouldn't know where to call me.

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