Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sweet and grounding but scary too

I remember a transition, it was in Seattle when I had elaborate hair, purple and green spitcurls in the front with the back spiked up and underneath maybe orange. I’d get is it a boy or is it a girl a lot, even though I always had what people call masculine features it's just little things like the angle of your head or the way you carry a purse. It had been years of dying my hair bright colors, I couldn't think of anything else that would be exciting so I shaved it all off. Suddenly fags looked at me differently, with tricks I'd already started dressing preppy because that's what they wanted, I mean that's what they required -- preppy with a ski cap that I said I just didn't want to take off, this was Seattle it rained a lot -- the funniest time was when I took a shower with that cap on, I said it's just my thing.

Outside of sex work I was still the same flaming queen but I'd learned that I could pass if I tried, I mean I’d tried as a kid and it had never worked, here at 23 it took me a while to realize this could be liberating, to realize everything I refused. Even if I didn't want anyone to see me in my hooking clothes like I'd lost something, me -- I would cross the street to avoid people I knew. People stare at you anyway but not in the same ways, though it's hard not to think they know everything -- your discomfort and glory held back.

It's funny how much hair means, back then the shorter the better in the gay marketplace, maybe a flip at the front or a certain spikiness -- soon the faux-hawk would arrive, but no one knew yet. Then the shag, but only in certain circles. Nowadays the gay leather clone look is back, I just ran into someone who’s probably about 30, head shaved to the scalp and a huge beard. This is the strangest of fashion items, a full circle back to a masculinity that hasn't mattered in the same way since somewhere soon after I was born don't get me wrong -- masculinity has mattered, just not in the same way.

I'm trying to remember how I ended up at the gym, that first time in Seattle it was the Y, maybe Andee suggested it? That seems strange, but I know I missed dancing -- dancing had always been my exercise but in Seattle I couldn't find anywhere I loved. Before I’d always loved the clouds, but in Seattle it's different -- it's seven eight months of rain and you're sinking I needed help to feel pleasure.

At first my biggest worry was that suddenly I'd turn muscley I'd always verged on the anorexic none of those strange bulges -- I hadn't expected I’d start to experience a masculinity in desire that felt sweet and grounding but scary too because isn’t this something I'd always struggled against? I remember this guy I had a crush on -- he was working masculinity without working it -- I'm not sure that's possible, so you know I had a crush. We'd exchange shy comments I guess he was flirting with me too but I didn't realize until much later, I saw him at a bar with this super-queeny fag who was his boyfriend and I got so excited for them.

No comments: