Saturday, October 20, 2007

A walking pile of arms around me

The homeopath likes to hear about my emotional life, I'm telling her about my project of rediscovering a sense of liberation in my own sexuality, she says is there a new partner?

A what?

A new partner hadn’t even entered my mind. I mean I hate that word I don't want someone to answer my life. Sure, I want sexual partnerssssssssss, I want a sense of hope, an excitement about pleasure, camaraderie, romance, adventure, maybe I want to date, maybe boyfriends or lovers or fuck-buddies but mostly I want sex to be fun again -- and funny -- 30 people at once outside up against the trees with so much sky, I want desire to make my life more enjoyable, I want bodies to feel like splendor -- my body too -- I want safety and risk, collapse and detonation I want the glamour of so much spit in my mouth I can only spit further into yours I want so many hugs it's like I'm a walking pile of arms around me I'll beg you to do whatever you want -- as long as it's what I want, I mean what you want -- I’ll fall and you'll hold me, whoever you are, even if you're a different person every time even when you're the same person I want you to hold on. Even if my arms hurt I'll hold you all laughing and crying yes.

1 comment:

matty said...

Speaking for myself (and we know I'm a bit fucked-up) but I began to find all those arms making me feel more alone and less alive than when I decided to see if I could find one set of arms that would do it all for me.

I never have, but I've come close.

I decided not to settle, but also not to demand.

...there doesn't have to be so much pain in love when i already have so much pain and confusion in my brain and scars inside me.

Just to let go and trust is the scariest thing. I think.