Friday, November 16, 2007

A childlike vulnerability in my eyes there's a gentleness


I want to know what this mood is, so I can hold onto it. In the shower, I felt horrible, like this might be another day when I had to get back in bed -- this time before even leaving the house. I was annoyed that I was in the shower, which meant that I had to do my hair, and then get back in bed -- or get back in bed without doing my hair -- both just sounded terrible. When I got out of the shower, I felt a little better -- I decided to leave the house, because it was about to get dark and I wanted to see some sunlight, I mean I see sunlight when I sit on my fire escape but it's different out there in the world from all directions.

Outside, I'm surprised that I'm closer to the ground, I mean my feet aren't rocking all over the place in my shoes like usual -- I feel more stable. I decide to walk a few more blocks, and then a few more. Then I remember: don't wait until you're tired, go home first. There are a lot of hot people out at this time of day, coming home from work I guess -- I smile at them. None of the guys smile back, but a few women do. Where is this calm coming from -- that's what I'm wondering as I get back in the house, sitting down to eat -- pay attention, I'm thinking. As soon as I start eating, my head clouds over -- okay, eating, that makes me feel worse -- it starts with the beans, but maybe it's anything really. But it doesn't get terrible -- I'm looking at the bookshelves and there's something different about my perception, it's softer and I can sense the shadows in between things more. I'm still in a low mood, low energy, but there's more air -- more possibility. I don't want to do anything too fast, so that I can sense everything.

As soon as I sit in front of the computer, the sinus headache starts so I decide to adjust the screen contrast but then it's too dark so I change it back but the headache isn't getting awful, I think it's something about knowing that it's there and acknowledging it but not worrying too much. So I feel spacey and tired, not speedy in either direction -- usually I'm trying to maintain something wired, or it's all plummeting but this is something else -- where did it come from? Is it because the weather changed so suddenly, from super-hot and congested to cool and clear? Probably something about that, but also there’s a difference in perception that I’m trying to pinpoint so that I can know how to keep it. My hands are moist like there's more blood circulating than usual, actually I can feel extra sensation all over -- kind of sexual but not frantic, warm without heat, a childlike vulnerability in my eyes there's a gentleness.

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