Saturday, November 10, 2007

The finest sinus drama


Tonight’s the once-a-month backroom bar that made me happy that first time, then the second time was okay but not that exciting, and the third time I had sex with Jeremy and that was funny but then that nightmare afterwards oh that was gross, I'm trying to think if I should go tonight. At least I'd get to make out, but as soon as I get back in my house there’s the pounding headache I'm not sure if it's my apartment or if it's just because now I'm relaxed I mean exhausted I mean relaxed so I realize how exhausted. Anyway, I need to get back in bed, even if I just got out of bed seven hours ago -- it's kind of depressing to think I might need to stay in bed for 12 hours, then get back in bed seven hours later, I mean it's depressing if I have to do this every day but it's not depressing once I get in bed, oh bed, oh I love this bed! Getting under all the covers -- I only use one comforter when I go to sleep because otherwise I get too warm, but earlier in the day I'm colder so I put on the second comforter, a towel over my head for more warmth and I love hugging the pillow.

I guess I kind of go somewhere, and when I get up it's almost 11 p.m. but I feel better, until I realize that everything hurts way more like my muscles were tense the whole time in bed, is that possible? More Posumon -- that's the Chinese mentholated oil that I use all the time, it cools my body and usually the pain dissipates for at least a few minutes afterwards -- although I'm wondering if I use it too much, whether I'm getting allergic because sometimes it makes my skin itch.

I wish that the more tired my body got, the more relaxed the muscles felt but oh it never works that way -- pain wrapping around -- even the headache has spread to the back. And really, how can my jaw feel this tense? There are times when everything is harder, this is one of those times. 1:58 a.m. -- the backroom is still open, ha that's hilarious -- I mean the escape would be lovely, if only I wasn't in so much pain -- cocksucking isn't going to help me tonight, that's for sure. That's the tragedy of a once-a-month backroom -- if you miss it, oh no I'm missing it! But wait -- I already decided earlier that I wasn't going, because of all the sinus drama, yes the finest sinus drama I mean can we get a family picture of this sinus drama, together with the poison from the chemical dry ice machine, someone smoking pot downstairs with no windows, and cigarettes in my face?

But what are the roles? I’d say father is cigarettes, mother the chemical dry ice smoke, sibling the pot smoke, and I’m just the hole in my head, there's nothing but the hole family here. But we can switch -- father the chemical dry ice, mother the pot smoke, sibling the cigarettes no I think the cigarettes must be parental! But wait -- what about the mold? Okay, the mold is the mother, cigarette smoke the father, chemical dry ice one sibling, pot smoke another sibling. Oh, wait -- air pollution? Pollution is the grandmother, toxic perfume the grandfather, the soot from the tandoori ovens must be another grandfather, dust oh all the dust is another grandmother. The hole in my head? That was my head so it's still me.

It's funny because I talked to my grandmother Florence earlier, I asked her about an operation she’d just had, the removal of a skin cancer tumor from her head. She said oh, I'm fine -- it was malignant, but I'm fine -- there's a big hole in my head, but I'm fine. See, a hole in the head -- it runs in the family! She has trouble sleeping too, so maybe we could go to the backroom together -- this is the grandmother that always tells me I'd be so handsome if I just wore normal clothes can’t I can't I just try it. The same grandmother who didn't want me coming to her apartment because then people might see, today she asked me why I don't write a mainstream novel, she knows I could write a mainstream novel. Anyway, I have an idea -- if we went to the backroom together, she wouldn't have to see my clothes -- it’s dark there, and her vision might not be that great anyway -- especially with a hole in her head. My vision probably wouldn't be that great either, I mean with the hole in my head. I could just, um, socialize, and she could tell me how handsome I am.

2 comments:

grantatee said...

im thinking about your grandmother's art.. and the comment she made that wasn't really feminist, but cute...

i like thinking about your gradmother appreciating you and acknowledging your beauty.

xo,grant

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, but Grant -- that's the other grandmother! This one's the 1980s high-roller, realtor with a stockbroker husband...

But yes, they should both appreciate me -- I'll agree with that!

Love --
mattilda