Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Maybe if I just keep following the lines until they blur my head

Oh, the hazards of sleep! Tonight it's the way someone else's detergent residue on my freshly-laundered sheets flattens my face. I know I'm breathing but I'm not breathing I mean I'm breathing but it's hard to get enough air. What I have to do is focus on the air farther away, fresh air through the windows not the chemicals into my nose and then I can clear my breathing passages. Here in the bed with my eyes closed I should only be trying to imagine sleep, but instead I'm worried about the loss of that sweet adventurous energy around sexual splendor, I'm worried that now I'm not so hopeful and when did this start? I mean when will it end?

I should be trying to imagine sleep, but instead I'm trying to imagine imagination. Until I'm on the fire escape in the sun with all this fall air, oh the fall air is like a miracle the way it clears everything out, my head, even the sky is softer and then the fog rolls in -- a minute ago, I was staring at Buena Vista Park, and now it's not even visible -- oh the magic trick, it's getting chilly but I still want to watch the fog. But then back inside there are already ropes twisting around my eyebrows until I've got knots-for-eyes how do I close them without more pain?

Okay, I'm trying -- still it's the area above my eyes almost like a cave except a cave shouldn't hurt, no a cave doesn't vibrate either. The good news is the way the light refracts into yellow lines softening into darkness. Maybe if I just keep following the lines until they blur my head but still this sinus pulse, maybe let the jaw go it tingles I appreciate that movement, mouth hanging open still the sinus pulse but it's more spread out I can sense it dissipating I notice other areas hurting now I'm not sure if this is a good thing.

Of course I'm angry this is all from other people’s smoke pouring into the bar I could smell the smoke but I kept telling myself maybe it would be okay. It's never okay -- probably I just should’ve left but I was reading, I always hate it when other readers leave early.

2 comments:

annaham said...

I'm sorry that you had to go through the circumstances that inspired this post, but goodness, if only all fibro/insomnia/fatigue/whathaveyou-experiences
inspired this sort of writing quality!

still it's the area above my eyes almost like a cave except a cave shouldn't hurt, no a cave doesn't vibrate either

Brilliant, brilliant phrasing.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

AnnaHam, you're too sweet -- I'm so glad you appreciate the phrasing -- I'm trying trying trying to pull something out of the experience...

Love --
mattilda