Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Taking care of myself, that's right

Okay, so when you walk into a bathroom and they've removed the toilet seat, what antisocial behavior are they attempting to eradicate? I've always thought this was to prevent people from shooting up, but you can always shoot up on the floor. I'm doing a survey, Samara says maybe it's to strengthen your calf muscles. Logan thinks it's to prevent people from using the toilet seat as a weapon. Abby says maybe it's a penis-only bathroom. But what about shitting? Maybe they don't want anyone to shit, either.

Abby asks the bartender, who says maybe it broke and they didn't bother replacing it. That sounds sort of logical, since usually this process takes place in establishments not known for their high-end clientele. But Math goes to investigate, and discovers that on the cover to the toilet basin they've attached screws pointy-end up, and spray-painted them white so they blend in. Touch one, she says. I try to touch the area in between screws, but the screw pokes me anyway -- ouch, these are really sharp!

So we know this is no accident. Neither is all the smoke pouring into the bar, and when I wake up it's the usual damage -- between the smoke and that dangerous activity of sitting for too long, when I get home it's like I have energy from the reading, even something sexual but undetermined except everything’s surrounded by knots of exhaustion until I become one of those knots, larger and larger until I'm a knot around myself, that's me in bed in the middle of the night I can't get the eye mask to shut it all out, maybe if I just had blackout blinds or something to fill in the gaps in my head where the smoke punctured holes and now everything’s puffing around me, oh I should've taken a shower because I can still smell the smoke on my nose. I lick one of my fingers to rub off the smell, and it actually kind of works. I'm awake but I'm not wired, until I'm wired but there's a cloud and I'm trying to get the cloud to work for me but instead it's just working like I'm wired but my brain’s not working and this goes back and forth for a while, maybe hours until I see something soft in the corners of my head and that's where I eventually go. When I get up there’s the sinus sadness but maybe less than usual, maybe because the air is so fresh today or maybe the acupuncture clearing did something until later when I don't think anything is doing anything.

Oh, but here comes the pain, winding around my wrists up to shoulders, neck into chest down to hips. I'm trying this new strategy of scratching my muscles when they hurt, substituting an inch for a burn. But not when there's this much burning -- that would be too much itching too. Meanwhile, my head fades away like I'm staring at the same objects in the room but the light hurts, everything is moving in and out of focus maybe I'll just focus on eating, oh wait now my back hurts. Earlier I was trying to remind myself: I'm cooking because I'm taking care of myself, right -- it's not just that I'm cooking for three hours like I don't have those three hours or that I'm hurting myself chopping vegetables and then my right hands already doesn't work right this early in the day. I mean it works, it just doesn't work right -- like there's an extra twist in there somewhere.

At least the pain moves around -- that's considered a good sign, now my right wrist doesn't hurt just everything else I'm trying to think of what I can do except get ready for bed. But wait -- taking care of myself, that's right -- it's time to get ready for bed.

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