Saturday, December 29, 2007

The end of San Francisco, just more evidence

I get to the Nob Hill Theatre and there's no one there -- I mean no one. Sure, it's the coldest night yet this winter, and it's raining too, but it's a Thursday at 1:30 a.m., I thought for sure there'd be someone. I'm drinking from the water fountain and I hear someone go into the bathroom, but maybe that's just one of the employees. Then I hear someone going down the stairs -- since they took out the carpet to get rid of the mold, the whole place practically shakes when someone’s coming in, like an announcement. I do another round, and no way there's the hottest boy walking right towards me, he's even wearing one of those emo caps, face stubble, black clothes that are kind of trendy but neutral sure he's working the casual masculinity I fall for, with subcultural allegiances and then I'm frenzied -- I say you're really hot and then we're making out in the hallway until he pulls away and says I can't. So then I'm kissing his neck, he says let me see your dick. Just like that. I grab him tighter, there's nothing I like less than pulling out my dick in a sexual situation when I'm not hard, it makes me feel gross and exposed -- if I'm hard, then anything can happen, but otherwise I kind of feel like an incest survivor all scared, an object to be assessed for value.

He's grabbing my crotch and he says it again, pull out your dick, dude. He says dude like he's saying Estée Lauder, separate from the rest of the sentence, I guess it's just something he says when he has sex. I say I'm not ready yet. He says come on, dude, I say I'm not hard, take out your dick. He says it doesn't matter, and he takes out his dick and then I'm on my knees, sucking his cock in the hallway no one does this here it's all in the little rooms. Then he pulls me up, I'm looking at his eyes he’s unzipping my pants I say do you wanna go in a room? We go in and he’s sucking my dick now I'm getting hard but then he pulls away I say keep sucking I've got my hand on the back of his head matching his insistence. He says no, you suck my dick. Emphasis on my, but at least he doesn't say dude again. He's drunk and everything he does has kind a strange suddenness, probably there's another drug in there but he's not wired enough for crystal, although the way he moves from one thing to another without transition feels that way. Maybe coke or just some coked-out prescription medication that solves everything.

Anyway I'm sucking his dick, it curves up I can't help loving that, he's getting into it he says finger my ass and actually there's a lot of flesh to get through I like feeling the hair I don't usually finger people's asses because it hurts my hands but he's getting excited and then he pulls me away and says let's walk around. I say there's no one else here. He pulls open the door and this big burly older guy walks by without showing any interest, he says let's go get him. I say I don't know if I'm into that guy. He says come on, dude, show me around, I've never been here. I say there's nothing to show, but then we're out in the hall and he's knocking on the one door with a red light on, no one answers.

I grab him from behind, my dick up against his ass, hand around his face he gasps a little or no, what is that sound that's more than a breath but less than a moan just satisfaction? I realize the finger in his mouth is the one that was in his ass I wonder if he likes that too I say let's go in a booth. Why am I urging him into a room -- I'm the one who doesn't like rooms, it looks like we even have that in common. He pulls me around the corner and takes out his dick again so I'm on my knees, he's getting really really hard this is great, then there's someone standing next to us, a tall guy maybe in his 40s with facial hair, kind of hot and I can tell emo guy’s into him, though I'm worried we're going to get kicked out. I stand up and say let's go in a room -- you too, I say to the new guy. He doesn't smile, but he goes in first, and then me and then the other guy. Emo guy’s already got the new guy's dick out, he says look at this it's amazing.

The new guy has one of those dicks that’s so big you can't really believe it, all fleshy with no hair kind of like a blow up doll is what I'm thinking, I prefer the other guy’s dick more manageable and arching up like a diver doing stretches. I pull my jacket off and tuck it up above the video screen, the first guy is looking at my orange paisley sweater I can't tell what he's thinking. At this point I'm facilitating because I'm good at that, I say you want that in your ass he says fuck yeah but doesn't move in that direction I say I’ll start and I grab him from behind. Within seconds he’s sucking the other guy’s dick I decide to go for his, I can't really get hard maybe it's been too long since I've come or I'm nervous or more likely I'm already too hypoglycemic, it only takes like a minute after I’ve left the house.

So I get on my knees and I'm there for a while, sometime I'm sucking the new guy's dick but he pulls away he doesn't want to come I'm worried sucking his dick will hurt my jaw anyway but I'm waiting there anyway just in case he decides to come and the two of them are making out, I guess I'm the third one now they're getting coupled, bad manners but whatever -- at least the new guy holds my head while I'm sucking the first guy's dick, at one point I stand up and sort of make out with both of them but it's more like I'm kissing them kissing each other, then I take off my sweater and put it with my jacket. Emo guy takes off his jacket too and puts it on the chair, he says to the room: don't get any come on that. We’re all facing in that direction, I say why don't I put it back here -- I try to sit it on top of my stuff but it doesn't work so I tuck it in the corner on the floor, I say they washed the floors right before we got here, and it's true they were wet when I arrived.

Emo guy pulls his black t-shirt up over his head like he's auditioning for a porno, head leaning back against the door with belly arched up so you don't see that he has a little bit of flesh there. The flesh is hot too, something to break apart the porno view, face stubble trailing down to dark body hair on pale skin down to that dick still arching up, I can't believe how hot everything looks, I glance at the tattoo covering one of his forearms, down to wrists, usually a tattoo you can't hide with a short-sleeved shirt means subcultural allegiance on some level although maybe a while back because I think I see a Virgin Mary among some vines, otherwise it's pretty. I smack his belly hard a few times maybe he’s surprised I'm not sure. Even if he's an asshole, there's something connected like he wants an adventure and I know how to show it to him -- he's frenzied I can meet his frenzy we can order one another around. I'm more relaxed so it doesn't matter if he isn't necessarily paying me attention, I'm fine with the facilitator role.

I've got my hands under both guys’ balls, I say to emo guy put your hands under my balls and he does, but then he’s sucking the other guy's dick again, he's really going at it -- pretty impressive actually, although I notice that now the other guy’s not hard I'm kissing his neck plus I've got my hand on the back of emo guy’s head until he pulls back to say does anyone have any spit and I'm back on my knees, he stands up I’m pulling on his balls he's pumping my face I can tell he's getting close so I'm pulling more and sucking harder and this goes on for a while until he pulls his dick out and says I can't hold it any longer I've gotta come, he does this thing where he jerks super-fast 10 times in a row and then stops and then jerks super-fast 10 times in a row and then there’s his come, a little bit of white amid his belly hairs and then I stand up and right then I'm ready even though I'm still not hard, I shoot fast up against the wall and the guy with the blowup dick says damn, and then I shoot two more times onto the chair and emo guy’s looking at me with excitement for the first time in a while, at least I put on a good show. Emo guy says I need a towel, I say there are no towels in here, he says what am I gonna do, he’s looking down at the come on his dick like it's a problem. I say what about my mouth he nods his head so then I'm there, problem solved he's moaning now.

Standing back up, I reach for my sweater, emo guy says there better not be any come on my jacket. I say well, you came on yourself and I came on that chair -- I look at the other guy, did you come? No, he says. And I turn back to emo guy -- well, then there can't be any come on your jacket.

He says I need some light, and opens the door, I think he means air. He’s drinking water from the fountain, he says I'm so dehydrated, the other guy says I need a Coke. I forget that people do things like drink Cokes after having sex. Or ever. Blowup guy says did you know each other before? We shake our heads, he says I guess that's just the way it works sometimes -- he sounds excited, goes into the bathroom and I say to emo guy: how come you haven't been here before? He says a lot of reasons, and I can tell that one of them is that he thinks this is a disgusting place filled with miserable types who he shouldn't be around. I pretend I don't notice his tone, and say what's one of them? He says well, first of all, I just got out of a relationship. I know I'm not supposed to ask about ex-boyfriends, that's against the rules, but I'm sick of rules. I say how long were you together? Six years. That's a long time -- how long ago did you break up? Two months.

I say let me give you a hug, and I open my arms, when we're done he looks somewhere between confused and pleased. I say do you live nearby? He says four blocks, I say well I'll walk you out. He says I have to meet some friends. I say at 2:30 a.m. -- give me your number and we can go on adventures together. He says I've gotta go, I say come on girl. He says I'm not a girl.

It's all casual, I'm still smiling and playful but what I say is: you'll regret it, bitch. The other guy’s still there he looks disappointed, he says I'm going to get a Coke. That's right -- they have Cokes upstairs. I go in the bathroom to put my hat on in case it's raining, I'm arranging the curls underneath the hat and I hear someone come down and it's one of the guys who’s always there I say you missed out on the fun. Sometimes we look through the cracks together, and one time he sucked my dick and then said I just wanted to see what it looks like. Today he glances over like I don't even exist, not a word, I really want to chase after him and slam him against the wall I'm so angry.

Upstairs I'm smiling goodbye to the guys who are working, they look cuter than ever actually, one of them has longer hair and looks more relaxed and the other one shaved his facial hair. I'm kind of hoping that outside I'll run into one of the guys I just had sex with, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the second one and I wouldn't mind reading emo guy, that dude right he's the dude, dude. Down the hill and there's some guy outside Walgreens asking for fifty cents, I give him a dollar he says let me see that hat. I do a quick turn for him in the rain and then keep walking, he says that's too much you need to get back inside, at first I think he's saying girl you’re too damn hot to be out, but when I look back he's angry like he thinks faggots like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Two straight guys are yelling at each other, something about how if that's a bitch I'm going to stick it in. I yell I'm a bitch! They don't seem to notice or maybe they notice but I'm already past them, I've never gotten in a physical fight in my life but now I'm ready, really really ready.

I'm talking aloud to the world but really to the guy at the Nob Hill Theatre who couldn't even say hello. I'm practicing for him: hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. It's just one syllable. If you want to sound more butch, you can say hey. Hey. Hey. That's still one syllable, but it's a little bit longer. Wait -- let me see – Hi. Hey. Hi. Hey. Yeah -- hey is longer. Or, if you really want masculinity points, you can say sup. Sup. Sup. Sup. Sup. That's the longest, but you get the most from it.

I'm giving raging runway and some fancy white car does a quick turn and almost hits me, I start screaming what the fuck are you doing? I know -- I really need to eat, but everyone's trying to kill me, slow or fast it's the same thing eventually a hit-and-run. Then I'm home and I'm eating and I still feel the same my head's going to explode I can hardly breathe I mean I keep saying breathe, and then I breathe deeply for maybe four breaths and then it's the same thing. I can't believe there isn't a club open at 3 a.m. on a Thursday where I can go to do runway, I mean I would really tear it up even if I tore up my body too this is what runway is made for. Although if there was some club then there would still be too much smoke.

I can't believe it's almost 2008 and faggots still can't deal when you call them girl. I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl. I mean really -- a size queen who said don't get come on my jacket, an emo boy with subcultural leanings and an adventurous streak or maybe he was just trying to get back at his subcultural boyfriend. I'm not a girl. Maybe he's even a hairstylist, or just a stylist, or something butch like hospitality services or human relations -- I'm not a girl -- I just wish I wasn't surprised, I mean San Francisco in 2008, and what is going on? I'm not a girl I'm not a girl I'm not a girl.

I know what's going on -- it's the end.

2 comments:

RJ March said...

too fucking funny

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thanks, darling.

Love --
mattilda