Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Flat walls on two sides and you walk in between them

It's always such a pleasure to get into freshly-cleaned sheets until I realize the way other people's detergent or fabric softener residue flattens my face when I wake up in the middle of the night, and then I think maybe I should never wash my sheets again. Dust versus poison -- it's a tough call.

Just a little bit of sunlight on my fire escape totally gets me wired -- I'm a different person for the few minutes the sun peers beneath the clouds and into my eyes, well hello darling. Then it's gone and I'm eating whole oats, the way grains bring that eye-closing sadness right in, but it's hard just to eat beans and vegetables -- there's more clarity in my head, but my stomach can't deal. Wait a second -- the beans I'm cooking in the kitchen are overflowing.

I decide to try this new strategy of rushing outside just before dark, before stretching or taking a shower or doing my hair -- I just put a hat on and work that look. There's no sun left today, but going outside still helps to remind me that yes, there is a day. Walking starts to hurt, so then I'm just standing on the corner of Larkin and O'Farrell, looking through the metal fence into the playground, and actually there are pretty plants there, I usually don't notice that -- just the ugly playground materials. No one's in the playground because it's cloudy I guess, except a woman putting on her makeup next to a tiny pastel tricycle. I know people usually say no one's on the playground, but for this one you really have to go in, through the gate and then you're surrounded by the 8 foot fence.

When the woman leaves, I realize there's something beautiful about the way the tricycle contrasts all the greens and reds of the playground and the overhanging trees, the bars from the fence can line up with the bars of the playground and I wish I brought my camera. I need a better camera, one I can actually focus. I'm looking at the playground from different angles -- I never noticed there was a fake train inside, flat walls on two sides and you walk in between them.

Goodwill is a different story, everyone's at Goodwill! I'm looking at the file cabinet I saw yesterday, it's actually perfect, and then I notice a tiny end-table for my faux living room, a gorgeous blue pot for a new plant, and even a plastic drawer for the closet so that something doesn't get so dusty -- I can't believe there are all these things at once, there's even another small pot with butterflies on it that's kind of cheesy but I'll take it anyway -- I mean I’d take it if I could carry anything. Maybe I should call someone to help me, but when I get home I can't believe I've only been outside for a half hour, I mean I'm so exhausted, my body already aches all over and I guess this will have to be one of those days when I get back in bed, really there's no other option.

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