Saturday, December 22, 2007

The holidays, oh the holidays!

In San Francisco, it's almost possible to forget the hideous holidays unless you're near Union Square. Unfortunately, I'm walking up Powell and there are so many people carrying so many shopping bags -- every time I think I can pass someone, their fucking bag is in the way. I push through a bunch of FCUK but then there’s Macy’s and Hollister, side by side so wide I have to step into the street but then I get sideswiped by H&M anyway. Someone’s literally carrying seven Urban Outfitters bags, three on each shoulder because they’re shoulder bags, I remember those from high school -- how convenient -- and the seventh practically dragging on the ground because it's hooked into this guy's belt loop. Aren't you worried about those precious gifts? I'm worried -- I swear I'm worried -- I'm desperate to stop that guy in his tracks, not just to borrow his wraparound shades even though the sun is down, not just to kiss his so-soft Italian leather shoes, not just to get a closer look at the oil slick acid-washed tracing over his crotch, yes his crotch, but to say honey, can I help you with those? I mean really, can I help? I really really want to help, I want to help you shop!

I'm not in a hurry, but in this environment how can I help trying to brush past everyone like I'm running the after-work marathon in Midtown. But wait -- did I tell you about the penthouse right around here somewhere because you could see Macy's from the window in the ad, I mean the listing where you can buy a timeshare of this three bedroom shopoholic’s dream yes right by Macy's, H&M downstairs, FCUK across the street, Barney's New York and the Virgin Megastore just around the corner yes this is heaven, pure heaven. But wait -- am I getting my grammar correct -- do you get a timeshare on something or a timeshare in something? Please, somebody send me a realtor’s dictionary!

But did I mention that just across the street from our new timeshare there's construction on a Skechers store -- it's that gorgeous green building with interior brick walls that's been empty for years -- huge glass windows spanning the whole front and side, two stories with enormously high ceilings I have no idea what it was originally but wow, I'm so proud that now it will be a Skechers superstore instead of a stunningly vacant art deco showpiece, who needs such mysterious elegance when you can have sales! When we get our new timeshare, yes we'll be able to hold hands in that sneaky sneakers showroom and buy a different pair of shoes for each time we go on a walk in through the organic vineyard, no more will he need to bleach out the grape stains!

Oh -- and the price of such convenient splendor – they’re looking for 10 lovely buyers to chip in $389,000 each -- each person gets five weeks a year, wow five whole weeks, that means the total for this spacious three bedroom is just under $4 million, I mean that's practically giving it away!

Okay, so does anyone want to chip in with me? Pretty please. It's the holidays...


grantatee said...

oh, im so glad we were able to do some last minute holiday shopping tonight!

ps. check out my blog for an update, girl.


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Absolutely -- but why did you ditch me in between Chanel and Vuitton? You said we were going to go to Barney's! Well, I'm still waiting...

Love --