Friday, December 28, 2007

I could almost levitate

It's cold outside and the wind is gusting, I can hear it winding around sirens in the distance. Seattle rain, just drizzle really and after a while you barely notice it. But it's chilly it gets under all your layers. In fifth grade music class we learned that song Bye-Bye Love, you know – bye bye love, bye bye happiness, hello loneliness -- I think I'm gon-na di-ie. Something like that -- it was catchy, soon I was singing it in the shower with the sponges that started out as little plastic animals but then you put them in water and they grew, grew, grew. They made more sense before they were sponges, it was hard to wash yourself with a brontosaurus. Anyway, soon I was singing Bye-Bye Love, except I didn't want anyone to know I was depressed, maybe this was a little later like sixth or seventh grade but anyway I changed the words so it was hello love, hello happiness, goodbye loneliness -- I think I'm gonna live and be hap-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Meanwhile, my father would unlock the door with a scissors and I'd scream get the fuck out, no that was later at first I would just freeze like maybe he could only see the dinosaur. I didn't have the words I wanted.

Later I'd scream get the fuck out, but that didn't work either -- I just need to piss, he'd say, like there wasn't a bathroom in his bedroom just on the other side of the wall, another bathroom downstairs. The way that aqua green shag rug that hugged the toilet would smell like piss and mold and everything else in the bathroom we'd keep washing it that didn't work for long, there were two rugs actually. The oval-shaped one went by the sink, that's the one I’d grind into with my face in the other one, pressing right into the pubic bone until I could almost levitate. Then maybe there were other smells, and I felt sad again.

No comments: