Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I wanted to believe

Sometimes I want everything to feel like catharsis, anything else is just body turning against. I want that lift to the sky or down low where I can hold me holding me. Still, I'm always tempted to write: do you know what I mean?

I know what you mean. Sometimes I write it anyway.

It's when things suddenly open I'm finally stillness except the way I can think. The new homeopathic remedy I'm taking relates to a hypersensitivity to scents, yes even you in the hallway. Sometimes homeopathy first works in reverse -- sleep worse, hypersensitivity more hyper, don't say anything about the panic in bed not the childhood I'm going to die he's going to kill me but a newer realm that's closer to the moment, I mean the moment now. That today I won't get to that place, that place where I can function.

Sometimes it takes this long, and when I'm finally there it's a revelation. Even if I just burned my sprouts, what was I thinking -- sprouts don't take that long to sauté, especially not in the small frying pan that wasn't made for that sort of thing, I mean it wasn't made for that sort of thing without oil. I didn't want to take out the wok that won't even tell you what it's made of because it's patented, I mean it has some name that's just a brand I didn't notice when I got it I was just excited that it wasn't too heavy. But it's bulky, that's kind of like heavy. Even the small frying pan is too heavy, maybe I need a smaller wok made of this new material that will give me cancer if. If I don't use it right. If I use it right.

The way you look it up on dictionary.com, and the first thing that appears is colon hydrotherapy. You tried that once, it didn't work because you needed to relax, but that was the problem in the first place. That you needed to relax.

Need is so much different than an opening, except. Once you were a model for prostate exams, doesn't that sound glamorous? It was at Bastyr University, a naturopathic college, you thought it paid well and sounded easy enough. But what could be worse than lying there while they stuck their fingers inside, everything was anatomy. You were trying not to sweat so much, why the nerves?

You ended up getting this inflammation in your asshole like a balloon except it hurt so much, balloons don't hurt. They wanted to do surgery, you said no. A dictionary of feeling. Look it up again: no.

You didn't know, it took a while to realize oh, right, I want to relax but I can't. Right: my father splitting me open, in my body it's still that without arousal or safety. The doctor’s table. Psychiatrists like my father don't use tables, they use a bed. They call it a couch. Close your eyes and tell me what you're thinking.

No, that was for his patients. Sometimes I would listen through the heating grates, he had an office downstairs. Downstairs where everything happened except everything happened except. There were other rooms, downstairs. I wanted to know what was happening, not to his patients -- sometimes he yelled, I knew that. I wanted to know what was happening, happening to me. I knew what was happening except. Sometimes I couldn't believe there was so much pain so much pain I. I wanted to believe in butterflies. I wanted to believe in mice. I wanted to believe in bunny rabbits, in daffodils, in moss, in baby birds even if their mothers left them. I wanted to believe in the tooth fairy, in goldfish delivered in plastic bags full of water please don’t pop. Pretty please. I wanted to believe in salad dressing, in cookies, in the Olympics, in blankets, in Coke, in lobsters if you set them free in a pond with the goldfish. I wanted to believe in the beach, I wanted to believe that if you kept digging in the sand then eventually you'd get to China. I wanted to believe that sand crabs could survive a tidal wave. I wanted to believe in pink peppermint ice cream with the red candy inside. I wanted to believe you could cut a worm in half and then there were two worms.

2 comments:

CaroleMcDonnell said...

Hi Matt:

What a honest and painful post. Hard to read but I made it through.

Presently I'm trying the watercure. A cup of water every hour. Stress removes water from the system. I also downloaded something called chimer from download.com and that reminds me to drink my water. I'm trusting it'll make me sleep. Yeah, i keep pushing this water thing. But honestly, it seems to work...if I can force myself to drink. -C

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Carole, so lovely to hear from you! You won't believe it, but I drink more than a cup of water per hour -- in the morning when I get up I probably drink at least 5 cups or I can't function. Lemon in the water helps to keep me hydrated. Sleep is a different story, oh that story...

Oh, and don't forget to call me Mattilda :)

Love --
mattilda