Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I was wrong

I was wrong about the music it was great. I was wrong about 1015 everybody was smoking I mean everybody it was like no one had ever passed a law I'm not in favor of the legal system except you know how much smoking destroys me I mean I wish other people could realize that, not about me just about other people but they can't. There's plenty of room outside to smoke, but no it was inside everybody was smoking with extra excitement like they were committing an incredibly transgressive act. Years ago I used to smoke and maybe I smoked that way too. I was wrong because I stayed I mean I knew people were smoking right away there was no way not to know but I couldn't turn around. I mean I didn't.

The place was beautiful they’ve remodeled it so that it's a circle with booths on the sides no pipes on the ceiling now there are little lights hanging down, hundreds of them almost like glow sticks in different colors somehow it looks elegant and everything glows white instead of black like most clubs and almost the whole place is the dance floor in the center which is how it should be. I loved it. I even loved the music when the beats got layered like house or dissonant like broken electro except it was disco don't get me wrong I know where house came from. People were festive no many of them were snotty but on the dance floor it was festive, sure people were working the ‘70s look but it was more styled and queeny how could I not like that? I mean it's sad that the only way queeniness trumps masculinity is when it's high fashion damage, but I'll take that over mandatory masculinity any day.

Maybe I could have left if I wasn't so surprised -- I was surprised by the space it was gorgeous like a cabaret but bigger like a space-crazed landing pad with the design fetish. I was surprised that I loved it, even with all the smoking I wanted to dance and once I started dancing I was there. On the dance floor everyone was sweat-drenched letting go fever I even knew some of the crazier ones I liked that. I remembered how much I can love clubs all that concentrated energy all the sudden like you're in a different world where you can watch and glow at the same time watch people watching people watch me I love looking in their eyes and dancing slow and close and fast and far and faster and closer and smiling everywhere and I knew I was wrong.

I should've taken one look at that place and walked back outside into the fresh air, the drizzle everyone's complaining about oh the air felt so fresh but I couldn't turn around. I was working this sweater Steven sent me from LA, this gorgeous sequined wool sweater, sequins in blue yellow purple magenta green teal diamond shapes and I haven't found the right event for it because wool’s usually too warm for me I mean too warm for a layer I don't take off. Tonight was the night for this sweater because it was cold out really cold for San Francisco I figured it would be cold at 1015 too. I almost turned a whole clashing outfit with a torn part of a prom dress around my neck but decided on the pale green corduroys and sparkly purple belt I made the right choice. Even though I was wrong, I made the right choice about my outfit. I felt like I was sparkling too, but I was wrong. I mean I was sparkling, but I was wrong.

Danny was working these beautiful queeny dance moves somewhere between vogueing and disco diva and ‘90s clubkid she was in white, white in the white room so much sweat it was so fun to sweat and shake then John who I haven't seen in a while either. I don't see these people because I don't go out but the dance floor oh how I love the dance floor. This guy came up to me, he said you look familiar do I know you from somewhere -- he kind of looked familiar but mostly like a lot of butch queens I used to see at clubs in New York, he was beautiful actually the New York part was maybe because he was Latino with a shaved head and baggy jeans and a tank top but a little bit of white eye makeup -- I said I'm Mattilda then I hugged him and kissed him on the neck I love hugging people. I kept thinking I should go before I get tired but really I didn't get tired I just kept dancing or maybe walking a little and trying to find the air but there wasn't much except for one point with vents in the circle it was fun to walk in a circle. Running into people and then dancing again, this one boy who was maybe the hottest in the room for me he kept staring right at me and I stared back but I was wrong. I wasn't wrong for staring. I wasn't wrong because I didn't get closer to him, I mean maybe I should have gotten closer but I was feeling the place of everywhere at once with my eyes body moving into calculated collapse use falling to find stumbling grace like maybe I'm falling apart but it's gorgeous I mean I am falling apart but not now this is what it means to dance.

I want to say that I wasn't wrong for dancing that I wasn’t wrong because there are things missing in my life I want to find them. I thought I was prepared. I thought I wouldn't like the music maybe something about the crowd I was almost sure there wouldn't be smoking because it was at 1015 a big club with too much to lose they wouldn't risk smoking. A big club with only a few doors that seal like a fortress and this night was in the basement, there would be no way for everyone's smoke from outside to get in.

I wish I lived in a different body, in a different world -- or even just the same body in the same world, without so much to fear -- I'm afraid of tomorrow, I'm afraid of how I'll feel, I'm afraid of all the pain and exhaustion and most of all the sinus headache that will bring me into so much sadness like nothing is possible, three four weeks of so much more pain probably more than last time I mean last time it was just from smoke that was outside not even in the bar. Then the pain becomes endless because it's my emotions in a black hole. So much pain for two hours of pleasure but how else could I get to this place where afterwards it's like everything in my body is aroused how else could I get to this place? The other day Chris said something about how he was in pain after doing too much going on too many adventures but he had to live, right? And I felt so sad like does he mean I'm not living -- I knew he wasn't talking about me but still I felt sad. I don't want to doubt the choices that I make to keep myself functioning, I know it's a cliché but still I want to ask how something so beautiful and pure can ruin my life I mean my life for the next few weeks I wish it wasn't true but I know I was wrong.


D. said...

Your outfit sounds fabulous, honey. I hope you have less pain today (and, of course, every day).


PS. I like the "invincible gender" tag!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thanks, darling -- I'll definitely have to do a photo shoot with that sweater at some point... and yay, I'm glad you like the invincible gender tag (and, perhaps, the invincible gender project/conundrum).

Love in letters bigger than this screen --