Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Maybe some things would even be easy

He thinks I look much better than the last time he saw me, I guess that was three years ago when I couldn't sleep at all I would just lie in bed all night doing different kinds of relaxation exercises. He says I look calmer, more present -- actually, he says something about earth. Down to earth? In the earth? Earthbound?

Something else. We’re talking about everything and when it gets to the thyroid it turns out that I have high antibodies but not that high and he wouldn't recommend hormone replacement because I'm so sensitive it will just make me wired and drain my energy away. I can't think of another time when I've actually been excited about the possibility of pharmaceutical medicine, I mean I guess I was excited about sleeping pills when I took them, for the five minutes when they kicked in and then after that it was 23 hours and 55 minutes of hell before the next five minutes, right I think the last time I saw this doctor wasn't that long after I finally got off the sleeping pills -- that's probably why I was such a mess, the sleeping pills made everything worse, but especially my sleep which was worthless. Worth even less than now, much less if you can imagine. I just remember trying to walk up this relatively short hill to get groceries, I mean to get to the door of horrible Whole Foods and that was just excruciating like I could fall over at any point on the way it was only one block.

Anyway, my energy really sinks when he says he wouldn't recommend the hormone, he has a bunch of supplements to suggest even though supplements rarely do much at all. I can't believe I'm trying to convince him that maybe I should try the hormone, even though he's actually paying attention to me when he says it would just drain me, that makes a lot of sense I mean even a few droppersfull of an herbal remedy or two bites of cornbread can knock me out. But I’d already planned out my recovery arc -- it would be slow, but maybe in six months or a year I'd be able to go dancing and exercise more and then eventually I'd be aware of all my exhaustion and pain but nothing would overwhelm me I’d have energy to relax and think about things with my eyes closed my brain would stop running everything wouldn't be so difficult maybe some things would even be easy.

No comments: