Thursday, December 13, 2007

More freedom not less

It's funny -- as soon as I wrote about seeing that hot boy at Real Foods, I kept thinking wait a minute, what if ze doesn't go by "he" at all, should I be using gender-neutral pronouns? I mean, if someone said I met this hot boy named Mattilda I would say work! Or, I met this hot girl named Mattilda -- work! Or, I met this hot creature named Mattilda -- work! But not everyone is so fluid.

And don't get me wrong -- if someone said I met this hot dude who's a guy but he calls himself Mattilda, um... It’s easy enough to use gender-neutral pronouns in literary endeavors, but what about the noun that describes the person. I mean, while I might like creature or sea lion or bitch or Mary or reptile or peach, I'll certainly admit to cringing when anyone calls me a man. But something neutral like person or individual sounds a bit distant and desexualized, right?

But anyway, this is probably just me in my head, which -- trust me -- can certainly go on and on. But why think so much about first impressions, remember: all that matters is that I say exactly what I'm thinking and then I feel that rush like I'm a little kid and I can just be me and it's okay. And it's true -- that is all that matters.

Except then I get this message that says: “I'm kind of only into bio boys who identify as that.” But wait -- how did ze know?

Just kidding -- I might as well reveal that this correspondence is taking place through myspace, not exactly my favorite means of communication, but it's the means this lovely faggot delivered into my hands, okay? I say: I'm the girl with the curls who bought detergent and lemons -- I wasn't in your line, but I'm so glad I came over! I'm not always as courageous, but I try to be.

Ze says: I just wanted to say now that I'm kind of only into bio boys who identify as that, so that at some point down the road I don't seem like an asshole who's been leading you on, but I also think that you look like an amazing person that I would like to be good friends with.

Of course I appreciate the honesty and compliments, and actually after browsing this person’s myspace I’m actually not drawn in the sexual direction either -- the flatness of too much information and not enough, why I can't do the computer screen love affair anyway. But there's something about “bio boys who identify as that” that makes me think oh no, even here where looks are precious, when it gets to something sexual it's back to masculinity drama. I mean, this person also works a splashy genderbent flavor, which was one of the reasons I got all excited back among the vegetables. There was that moment when I said you're really hot, do you want to go out on a date? As soon as I said it, I didn't know if I wanted to go out on a date I mean why a date do I really like dates? But in the moment it felt so exciting just to get so excited I mean to show it.

I'm trying to get to the place where my sexuality doesn't feel so separate from the radical queer visions that inspire me, where it's not just moments of passion that feel like they can save me and then boom it's all over. You know -- sex with guys who can't even deal with my name or any exchange past the physical sometimes not even the physical, that feels kind of limiting. Not that I don't also embody a certain type of masculinity in these spaces that feels illuminating and sassy and invigorating and sometimes confusing too but so charged like a burst of suddenly everything I need. Like I’m filled with possibility it's just me I'm everywhere at once. Except that there are rules and I know them -- don't talk don’t smile don't laugh. At least not too much. Maybe I want to tell jokes and do runway and fling my hands in exaggerated flair, just before throwing someone against a buckling wall and saying don’t make me read you, Miss One. Tongue to tongue, a saliva factory. A quick 180-degree turn for maximum glamour potential so this faggot can grab me tighter lick a circle around my face, we can live in that spit and make houses with it.

I don't want the transcendence to fade wither rot as roles are cemented into realness I want more freedom not less.

4 comments:

grantatee said...

i was totally thinking abt david beckman's ass-- how did you know?

thank you for sharing abt your desires, i especially like the last line...

i'm looking forward to seeing you tonight,

xoxo

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Girl, I know you went down to LA to watch him play... um... soccer... I saw you camping out to catch a glimpse, I mean I saw you on TV, camping out -- or wait, maybe that was for the new Star Wars movie, I can't remember...

See you soon!

Love --
mattilda

Nabil said...

I've got a couple different reactions to hearing about this pretty lad...
- yay! Yay boys! Yay dates!
- oh, sadness. Is it the butch rule? The rule about how at least one of the boys on a date needs to be butch?
- why are faggots so afraid of faggots, anyway?

Speaking of... Didja get my letter?

Xoxo

Nabil

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Nabil, so lovely to hear from you --

But wait -- the rule for fags is that both have to be butch, so in this case I'm wondering if it's a fear of vocabulary, who knows?

I did get your letter/submission, but haven't had a chance to read it yet... but look forward to chatting soon!

Love --
mattilda