Sunday, December 30, 2007

Where sex ends up replacing the social

It's hard to believe, but last night I actually kind of slept okay. I mean I only woke up once to go to the bathroom and later when I got up I did some errands for an hour or so and that completely exhausted me but it didn't ruin my day. Now I'm actually ready to go out and socialize, maybe talk to random people in some bar, which is rare honey I mean really rare. The problem is that I can't think of anywhere without potential smoke exposure -- I'm hoping hoping hoping that, two weeks after the last smoke catastrophe, I'm actually beginning to recover, but who knows it might just be illusion, I mean I still feel the sinus headache but it's not breaking me apart I think the neti pot is helping. The problem with bars and clubs is that they're not made for people to be healthy or even to try -- nothing about them, really, except the occasional social possibilities beneath layers of disappointment -- and dancing, yes dancing oh I miss dancing! But no one cares -- I mean they just care about the next cocktail and where they can smoke a cigarette and who has drugs and maybe who to sleep with, they're definitely not thinking about my health. I’ve even gone out with friends of mine who’ve started smoking right beside me like they didn't even know it destroys my life. Bars are for escape and for a lot of people that means not thinking.

The trouble is that I'm still a late-night girl, I still want somewhere to go and work the runway and say hello to people I don't know and make new friends even if just for a few minutes -- now I'm thinking of going to Blow Buddies again just because there's no smoke. I mean, sex would be fine but the problem with sex clubs and other tragic sex spaces like the Nob Hill Theatre, oh the Nob Hill Theatre -- the problem is that sex ends up replacing the social instead of becoming part of it. Sometimes that's good, because you don't have to deal with small talk leading nowhere, you know why people are there they’re there for sex. I just wish that didn't mean that other types of contact would only be allowed in the moments when people let down their guard forget the rules lose themselves I mean find themselves in the aftermath of sudden passion or release. It's boring, really, to walk around Blow Buddies where everyone's stern and distant and supposedly we’re connecting on some level, it actually makes me sad to think about it there must be somewhere else I can go without smoke or maybe I won't go out after all. Although I don't want to stay in either, because my right hand feels twisted and turned and when it gets like this the best thing to do is to break my habits -- reading or using the mouse are the worst things, talking on the phone doesn't help either -- even though I'm using a headset, it's something about the way I hold my body and sitting for a while makes it worse too so I guess I'm going to have to go out for a while at least, if anyone has late-night non-smoking social ideas then absolutely do let me know...

2 comments:

JordanV said...

I find the lack of social, the singular mission of sex, and the anonymity of baths to be effecient for the main purpose for bveing there: physical contact.I usually go to Club Z. Once I did breech those boundries and replied,"I would like to see you outside of here. Can I give you my number?" Yes or no I figured was fine. My expectations were low, but he and I have been social outside the baths for a time now.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Efficient, indeed -- but for me efficiency isn't enough -- of course I love the suddenness of desire magnified into touch, I just want that to continue...

Love --
mattilda