Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The key is just to act like my body is one piece and the center moves everything

Lately I've started counting the blocks I walk in a day, because I'm worried I don't walk enough, although sometimes just a few blocks is too much. So it's complicated. At the dentist, I'm thinking that I'm making all this progress because I can sit in this uncomfortable chair, with my neck at an awkward angle, and I can sense all the different places that are starting to tense up, but I'm still not feeling too much pain. Until I get home, and just sitting in the chair in my kitchen I can feel all the tendons winding around me. Tendons shouldn't wind around, they should go from place to place ouch what is all this burning?

Oh, no -- there's that ghost again -- the guy in the building behind mine, he really looks like a ghost this time, illuminated in white light when I turn my head is he using special effects? I feel like a ghost, no ghosts don't feel physical pain only emotional. Such a delicate balance, I mean a delicate imbalance.

If I close my eyes, my mouth opens gently chin floating leftward head above eyes crunched back of the neck a wall of tension no it's more like a ditch. Bruised shoulders down to chest twisted forearms stiff wrists burning. Around to hands really burning it's like wrists in lap around hips into spine is one extended ache like I'm sitting inside a tire floating in water, legs below chest up above I’m trying to get my legs out but my back and hands are stuck inside pressing against the circle of rubber it hurts.

At the dentist I always have to wait at least a half hour, this woman’s talking forever to one of the receptionists: how old are you, you look like you're just out of high school but you’re 23 and you have a six-month-old kid how did you keep that body, how long have you lived here, I go to trade shows in Atlanta we sell physicians’ clothing how did you like Atlanta? This little kid comes in and says hi, I'm surprised because usually kids are afraid of me or they just stare I say how are you doing? She says I had a big hole in my tooth and it was distracting me, all through class I would play with it and sometimes the teacher had to repeat things for me, well only twice -- 3 times -- but it was distracting I think it'll be better now. A younger kid comes in with a blue balloon, she says rooster -- the older one says how do you think they did that? I was thinking the same thing, but then I realize it's a glove and the pointy parts are the fingers. Oh, that's smart -- says the older kid, and then they go around the corner to talk to the mother -- what I like is that the mother doesn't come over to try and take charge of the situation, she lets the kids explore.

When I'm dancing, the key is just to act like my body is one piece and the center moves everything I'm swaying in the breeze I am the breeze just concentrate on small movements close your eyes and feel it all rolling back and forth. The only way to do this out at a club would be to ignore everyone and maybe hide in the corner, except sometimes the faster movements and eyes linking with eyes held me to get to that softer place of graceful stumbling a twirl around off-balance leading into bliss. Here I can start soft and not give in to the frantic part that I love, I'm practicing -- trying not to get to the point of pain even though that's where I'm starting sometimes pain can give way to a sudden comfort even if that gives way to pain it's still comfort.

As long as my eyes don't give way to exhaustion locking out my brain dragging me under fatigue that ends up crushing me I can't get through all that weight. Although tonight somehow I end up with a gentle alertness.

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