Friday, January 11, 2008

My neck

I'm trying a new strategy for the times when I'm lying in bed wired in the middle of the night -- it's just a break, right a break? Kind of like a nap is a break from being awake, I just need a break from sleep. Although naps usually destroy my life.

Anyway, the good news about waking up in the middle of the night from some strange sweats is that I realize oh, it's not actually hot in here -- once I pull the covers off, the air is cool and refreshing. But why this tension in my neck? It's like something is stuck there, arranged wrong, knotted up and suffocating me. Usually I think of it as an incest memory, my father squeezing my neck shut, but now it's become so constant that I'm wondering if it has something to do with the elevated thyroid antibodies -- the thyroid is right there, too. If it’s memories, I just want them to come up so that when I lie down I don't always have to feel like I'm being strangled. Or even now, sitting up, once I think about it I realize the tension is still there, just beneath my vocal chords, a bit deeper than my Adam's apple. I can almost feel it in an oval shape, maybe it is the gland. Of course it could be both a body memory and antibodies attacking my thyroid gland. Or the thyroid antibodies are triggering the memory. Or the other way around. I can think about this kind of thing forever, wrapping the layers around one another around me.

But also I'm arranging and rearranging the covers so that they close the gap in my eye mask but don't surround my nose so that I end up breathing recirculated air. Then I need to make sure the covers are protecting but not touching my neck. It's kind of complicated. I guess the good thing about the night sweats is that eventually I'm distracted and then I'm asleep again.


grantatee said...

glad you got back to sleep.

i woke up to your sweet message this morning.

thank you!


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Of course, darling -- hope you have a good trip!

Love --