Friday, January 25, 2008

Rain rain rain rain rain



It's pouring outside, but I need to get out before dark anyway -- or sort of before dark, since it's already pretty dark. Anyway, I'm excited about the fresh air but then I get outside and the air doesn't smell fresh at all, I can't believe it. I guess it's rush hour, the air never smell fresh at rush hour, but then I'm walking further so that maybe I'll get past the traffic and that kind of works although then I smell charcoal or something, where is that coming from? Oh, they have a grill set up outside Great American -- I guess the good thing about rush hour is that the bus comes right away to rescue me, even though I just missed a bus. I hate it when I start to feel all these little muscles and tendons in my chest that I didn't know existed, because I only feel them when they're all in pain. The bus is like a steamroom it's so hot, although once I decide to relax it’s kind of comforting since I know I'm getting off in just a few stops, and this little girl keeps reaching over slightly to pet the fake fur at the bottom of my coat.

More thoughts on craigslist: I'm thinking about how that guy looked nothing like his picture he just wanted come down his throat I mean he could barely say hello or even touch or look at me or the other guy except to grab our cocks, and then when the interaction was too human or connected he ran away. That's what craigslist usually is: running away, even when you're together.

Back at home, I have to turn the heat on again because it's so cold, even with the oven and the space heater on, and the other day I blew the fuse in my apartment with two space heaters at once, luckily the building manager went down to the basement and replaced it right away, but I can't rely on that again. It's sad because the moist air outside actually helps my sinuses -- it's been about a week without a sinus catastrophe -- but now I can feel everything drying up into knots. There’s a club I was thinking of going to later, people don't usually smoke in that space. But I'm worried about the smoke machine. And, I'm worried that people will be smoking because it's raining outside.

Of course the voice activation software is deserting me right now when I need it most, when I can't do any editing because that means turning pages and I can't review the book that I was going to write an essay about for AlterNet because going back to look for quotes is even worse for my hands, my poor hands all twisted in knots except that's how I describe my sinuses. Really my sinuses feel like knots, my hands more like machinery not turning like it should or when it starts to turn it hurts and then I don't want to turn and then everything hurts more. Or I don't do anything, and everything hurts more. Or I do something wrong, and everything hurts more. Or I do something right, and everything hurts more. Do you see how frustrating this can get?

Meanwhile, I have all the windows open in my apartment so they don't fog up a while I'm cooking because I'm worried about the mold, especially now that I found out the person across from me moved out of this apartment because there was mold covering the walls by the window, those walls were replaced before I moved in, except for small parts that were just painted over and you can see the bubbles where the mold used to be. Over by the stove, there are new bubbles, I can tell their new because they're softer and I don't know what to do to stop the mold from coming through. More pain? That was supposed to say more paint -- sometimes I guess the software reads between the lines.

For some reason I put flax oil on my food, I mean lately I've digested it okay but not until later at night. Right now it makes my head cloud over, slam in my throat even though flax oil is supposed to be drying and I just feel so edgy, wired and angry except at the same time it's like if I just close my eyes I could fall right to sleep. I can't believe the doctor from the holistic clinic finally called to answer my questions, except all of his answers are just more supplements that aren't going to work for me. At least he recommends a book about thyroid health, although I can't believe I also ordered a book called The Coconut Diet. The doctor recommended that one too, but then I looked at it online and it looked like some low-carb diet atrocity, except it was a dollar used in hardback and the doctor said it had good tips for what foods to eat to help your thyroid. Oh, I know -- Coconut oil. But I can't digest coconut oil -- well just eat more!

I can't believe I'm going to have that awful book in my house, how to lose weight while eating the foods you love or some disgusting scam like that that speaks against everything I believe about health. I wonder if the new homeopathic remedy is making me feel edgy, I got it in the mail right when I returned from my walk and I took it right away, it's supposed to help my thyroid and sleep but right now I just want to hit someone. It's amazing how much a little bit of sun can do for me, and then when the sun goes away for a few days I sink immediately into gloom. Even though I'm rooting for the rain -- rain rain rain rain rain please rain -- I just don't want another drought, that would make it all worse for everyone.

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