Monday, January 14, 2008

A safer place

Thinking more about that video, I realize the expression on my face where I look disassociated, that's the expression they wanted me to make. The problem is that now, knowing that I hated it and I was kind of freaked out but trying to remain nonchalant afterwards -- with 15 years distance I can't tell what's acting and what's the way I really felt and that's scary. I mean I look too convincing

I guess I got kind of excited about finding that video after all these years because I'd forgotten how disturbing it was, but also because I don't have many visual records of that time -- just a few photos, certainly no video. So I want more and that's what I have and really it's worse than nothing, I can't even watch more than two minutes total -- I wouldn't mind throwing it in a fire although it would just melt and smell awful, actually it probably wouldn't even melt.

Meanwhile, the guy from the building behind mine is waving his laser pointer all over my apartment, to try to get my attention. He's the tweaker who will stand for hours in his window jerking off and staring up at me, but then if I wave or if I look in his direction he turns out the lights. Sometimes I catch him bending down on the floor to look diagonally upwards so he can see me sitting in my kitchen. For a while I thought it was kind of funny, but then I had this dream where I opened my fire escape window and he was standing out there naked peering in my window, it kind of freaked me out because in the morning when I opened that same window I was a little worried she'd be out there. Then I remembered wait, that was a dream.

Since then it's kind of spooky when I look out at him standing in the semi-darkness jerking his semi-hard dick and trying to look semi-detached. But here he goes again with a laser pointer, red dots flying across my walls. When I look over again the TV’s on in the background but he’s stepped into the shadows.

But back to that porn video, I was trying to remember if I did it when I was 19 or 20, I think I did it before I became a whore and my hair was still in the vaguely goth bob, so probably 19. I remember when Laurie and I moved to San Francisco just before our 19th birthdays or maybe it was a few days after mine and right before hers, and we had this dream that we'd support ourselves doing phone sex, I think I'd read an article in Spin our somewhere that you could make $45 an hour, we couldn't believe how easy it would be.

The trouble was that really you got eight dollars an hour if you worked nonstop, which is what Laurie did, and for anyone who couldn't pull off slutty woman realness for that long, which was the case for me -- I ended up working for a few lines and making maybe $50 max per week. Sometimes I was Gabriel for Dial a Daddy and I had one regular who was from Germany, he liked me to poke needles into his balls and make him bleed. Other times I was Gabrielle, and I worked for Lola's Line. Eventually Laurie got a data entry job at a computer company in Berkeley and I got GA and food stamps, our rent was only $200 a month each, so with $360 GA and $80 food stamps, plus a ton of shoplifting and a few other scams, I could actually kind of support myself. Oh, right -- I was also the Bay Times delivery boy, but that's a whole other story.

I think it was a little later when I did that first porn video, maybe when I worked at Clothes Contact where the owner basically just wanted us to get rid of everything so we could basically charge whatever we wanted. Clothes Contact was the lowest end of the owners for vintage clothing stores, so everything was by the pound -- I can't remember if it was five or ten dollars per pound, but people would come up with maybe 10 pounds and we'd say how ‘bout $15? That was kind of fun.

But now I realize that the outfit I wore for the video consisted of clothes that I already had when I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it was before Laurie and I move to the Mission and I started working at Clothes Contact, I worked there for four or five months and then the owner wanted to meet me, he took me to the warehouse filled with piles and piles of old velvet curtains in burgundies and red, that was the velvet I wanted but he only sent the browns and army greens and mustards over to the store. After he met me I got fired, that was the second job that I lost because of the way I looked, even though people would come in just to look at me. Although there might have been money disappearing from the register too, things like that happen when you only pay your employees six dollars an hour.

Anyway, sometime around then I did that porn video. It wasn't because I liked porn or I thought it would be hot, I just needed the money. They made me dye my purple-and-green hair black but I wasn't going to use permanent dye, that would be so hard to get out. The temporary dye didn't work, so I wore a bandanna.

One of my costars said he was bisexual, he did the whole thing where he was jerking off to straight porn in between sets. I'm not sure why being bisexual would mean that you need straight porn in order to get hard, but I guess that was part of his act. He was short and stocky and trying to act tough, these days I'd probably find him hot but in those days I just thought he was the enemy. Sucking his dick didn't give me any pleasure. The only guy I liked was the cameraperson, he ended up having to fluff me at the end because I couldn't come, you had to come before they paid you and then when I walked outside it was so bright I was already brushing it all off, pushing it back to some safer place for me to remember later.


mortydiamond said...

Hi Mattilda,
Just a quick hello!

xo, Morty

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Well hello, darling -- I love hellos, yay for hellos!

Love --