Sunday, January 13, 2008

The scariest part

Oh no, here it is -- that overwhelming sadness that enters directly through my sinuses, courtesy of synthetic smoke this time. It's just so dramatic -- first I'm on the fire escape and the sun’s getting me wired I'm thinking maybe this time I'm okay. Until I'm inside at the kitchen table, head in my hands thinking how can anything be possible?

I put on this new liniment for tendon pain, but oh no it warms my skin instead of cooling it, suddenly my shirt is pulling my body into extra tension, all the sensitive places are burning I have to wash it off and put on the usual but then my body’s in shock I thought it was warm outside but it's freezing. Now it seems funny that I thought I was getting sunburnt, seven floors up on my viewing station. Down here I'm dodging everyone's smoke, looking at hands from halfway up the block, trying to spot the poison ahead of time. But it's so easy to camouflage, just when I think I've made it past there’s suddenly that cloud of smoke I'm in it.

Gina comes over and oh no, I'm allergic to her new conditioner too. I'm a prisoner in my own apartment, eyes grinding into knots. Time to boil some more eucalyptus, yes more eucalyptus why does it only last for three four minutes I need the long-lasting variety but wait that would be some synthetic catastrophe. I have enough catastrophes already -- here in my head, here in my bed -- but let's put everything into perspective: the first time I woke up in the middle of the night oh no it was like my face was broken, headache extending all the way around my head are there sinuses up there in the skull somewhere? Let's just say yes yes yes yes yes I wasn't awake for long.

See, there's always a bright side, I'm on the right side it’s just hard here without some kind of protection I mean that extra-special forcefield has gotta be around here somewhere, right I'll keep looking.

Oh, no -- it's definitely not in this porn video. The one I did when I was 19, the only question they asked me was would I bottom, soon they were dragging me through gravel, spray-painting my shirt, tying my hands behind my back, I was so shocked I didn't have time to use the safe word -- blue -- until they wanted me to eat dog food. Blue, I said -- I'm vegan.

I've told that story so many times, just that one part it's a good punchline, right? But the truth is that for years I didn't want to see anything about that video it was scary I felt shut down. But recently I developed a curiosity, maybe now it would be funny. I ordered it, that's even me on the cover. I start to watch it, there’s this dazed perplexed look on my face like I don't know what's going on, I mean I'm acting but I think I'm also scared and I don't want to do too much because then the guys who are supposedly abusing me will think I'm into it and then they'll get more aggressive.

This is too much -- I skip to the last scene, where I can tell they’re jerking me off I want to see what that was like. But oh no that's me before I was fully inhabiting my body I mean I was learning but here you can’t tell I'm just pale pale skin because I never went out in the sun I was scared I mean I was scared of the sun but in this video I can tell I'm not totally there it makes me feel gross. I mean now. I didn't even remember they’d fucked me with a dildo, pretending to wash lice out of my hair it would be funny except for the expression on my face I'm looking up to see what's going on oh no that's me, a different me I don't really want to remember, at least not in this visceral way a document of discomfort. Fifteen years ago I guess that was a while. I'm writhing on the ground maybe they're saying look at the camera or maybe I'm trying to pretend there’s pleasure I don't know how. I think that's the scariest part.

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