Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Three feet by three feet

Wow the air outside is so cool and crisp it's amazing until I'm inside and it's freezing, I have to turn the heat on then it only takes five minutes and my voice is already different, hoarser and I can hear it echoing. I keep putting saline in my eyes, but my contacts stay dried out but you already know the worst part, it only takes 20 minutes or so and then I'm just so sad. I'm not sad about anything -- I know it's just the heat drying out my sinuses, but that doesn't help the sadness go away.

I've decided I should have more sex in bed, because you can relax more. Otherwise I'm on my knees or standing too much and that's okay for a while but I think it wears out my body faster. Not that it takes much.

But also in these places where it's physical without emotion I find myself striving more, like I don't move away from positions I know are uncomfortable because where else would I go? At the Nob Hill Theatre, you only have about three feet by three feet and at Blow Buddies it can get more spacious but pretty soon you've got a crowd. I mean a crowd is what I want, but I also want space. Sometimes a crowd can feel like space and that's what's so beautiful, but also I need the literal room to lie back and relax and take things slowly and not worry that if I move away for a moment everything will be gone.

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