Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Wait -- did the ball drop yet?

Even though I always say that when I'm exposed to smoke, it's like I have a drill going through my head for a week and then after that it goes to a deep, dark sinus-induced exhaustion and depression that lasts for weeks or even a month, eventually I can't tell it just blends in with everything else until everything for us. Even though usually this just means a little bit of smoke, and last time it was 40 people smoking at once -- in a big space, sure -- but 40 people. Okay -- so even though I know all of this, somehow it still shocks me that today, two weeks later, everything feels so awful. Now I have this throat-swallowing allergy that I used to get as a kid where I just keep swallowing and swallowing and the swallowing is what makes my throat itch but still it's hard to stop. But that's no big deal compared to the way my face feels broken into.

Luckily, it's sunny out so I'm getting all manic on the fire escape -- I'm calling people to warn them about the fakes, I ordered 17 cases from eBay and it had a French name but it was from -- Australia. Oh -- I put just a little in my mouth and -- no, don't put it in your mouth, no! Wait -- did the ball drop yet?

But then I get back inside and my energy’s gone, just like that -- that's another thing that I always say, that when I’m sitting in the sun I'm suddenly wired, but as soon as the sun goes down it's over. But really all I need to do is step inside, step inside the hole in my brain -- I make it outside before dark, then I'm three blocks away and I can't believe I've walked so far, how will I get back? Before I was feeling social, even though I couldn't think of anywhere to go without smoke -- Chris invited me to the AA dance but it's in an elementary school auditorium in the Castro and it’s New Year's, that just sounds awful -- actually, I want to go to an AA dance just to meet people who don't drink, but not that AA dance, Chris even says the music will be frightening, just frightening.

At least I have my 17 cases, I'm going to pour it in the bath and see if it softens my skin -- maybe the bubbles will even help with my sinus pain. My champagne bubble bath lasts so long that I don't get out of the house again until 2 a.m. when I realize I need lemons, it's kind of exciting out there with crowds of drunk people in party hats standing outside of every bar and hordes flowing away from Union Square I guess. Why do people where hats on New Year’s, what is it about hats? At the store, these two people are very friendly -- they like my coat, they want to know what my New Year's resolutions are. I say aren't those supposed to be secret? No, says the guy -- his voice is kind of queeny so maybe he's queer, if so then he's the first queer person I've seen so far, where are all the queers? I say oh, I guess I don't have any yet -- what are yours? He says to lose weight, and to be a better person all around.

That's kind of disappointing. The bars are closing and the restaurants that are open are packed, there's a queen leaning against a car in a silver sequined dress, I just assumed she was working but she says she's been waiting for a cab for over an hour, that's probably why everyone's walking you can't get a cab on New Year's. I kind of want to go somewhere, just to see what's going on, but instead I'm back home again with three lemons. It's quiet in my apartment, you can hear fire engines and car horns and police sirens and people screaming but it's all in the distance.

2 comments:

grantatee said...

i got one of those messages.. and i couldn't understand what you were talking about-- but i thought it was fun still.

i almost went to that AA dance.. but i felt nervous abt it and was tired from my cousin's tragic visit. i went to bed at 8, and was woken up at midnight by loud cheering-- although im not quite sure where it was coming from since i dont live super close to any bars.

xo,
grant

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

But wait, Australia! They don't make Jameson there... And girl, everyone cheers because the cork is popped, yay for the cork!

But oh no -- your cousin's tragic visit...

Love --
mattilda