Friday, February 15, 2008

Differently styled

Of course it's starting to get dark later, so I have more time to get out of the house in daylight but somehow it hasn't worked that way -- instead of rushing out the door at 4:45 p.m., I find myself rushing out at 5:45 p.m. Today there's no way I'm going to get out in time -- it's 5:20 and I haven't even taken a shower. Plus, I've barely eaten anything. But then I remember my new trick -- throw on a hat and rush outside for a few minutes. Looking in the mirror, though, I actually like the way the front of my hair looks all messy so I style the rest and then rush outside at 5:50.

The problem is that I immediately feel awful -- I know I'm getting over a cold, but this happens so often, especially early in the day. I walk one block and I'm already too tired to go out the hill where there's more sunshine like I was planning, but I can't deal with only walking one block so I walk a little further and people are staring at me like usual but I realize I'm way more self-conscious just because I've styled my hair differently. I keep thinking -- are they staring at me because I'm a mess?

I mean, I often think they’re staring at me because they think I'm a mess, but that's a different story. I guess that's part of the reason I like to keep a consistent look, because it keeps me consistently feeling confident. Safer, not in the literal way that no one's going to attack me but in the way that I feel ready.

This reminds me of when I used to get dressed up in conventionally masculine types of clothes for a trick, and I felt so self-conscious and confused and it was difficult to stay present in my body. Except when I walked into a hotel, that's when I felt like I was in a movie and I knew the script so well. But if I saw anyone on the street who I knew, I would often try to avoid them.

But today's shift is so much more subtle -- it's just that I haven't shaved for a few days and I'm not wearing my earrings but those things happen from time to time so mostly it's the way my bangs are arranged in an intentionally haphazard, messy way like the blowdryer went wild instead of curled in front. Just as styled, only differently styled. Someone smiles at me in the way that people usually smile when they like queens, like they’re amused and excited and maybe a little bit in on the joke. Sometimes there is a joke, and sometimes there's not, but either way I can appreciate the conspiratorial glimmer. But today I find myself wondering if this person is laughing at my bangs -- unlikely, I know, but it's still what I'm thinking.

There's a way in which I wish I wasn't so attached to the way I look, but then there's another way in which it's the only way I can deal out there, I mean sort of deal.

1 comment:

Alexander Chee said...

Hey, Sweetness. I tagged you with a meme over at Koreanish.