Saturday, February 23, 2008

I'm sick of trying to recover

I’m sure there’s something interesting to say about that point when my brain shuts but my eyes are still open, my eyes will still be open for at least an hour or two so I don’t know if I should hope for my brain to open again or just that it stay shut until the time when I’m supposed to wake up, I mean tomorrow around 2 or 3 p.m. Today I went with Jessica to Santa Monica and we stood in a park overlooking the highway in front of the beach, we were trying to get down to the sand, the ocean that actually looked small somehow, but we couldn’t figure it out so we stood there and breathed and looked at the weird overgrown houses stuck between highway and sand. The highway is the stuck part -- sand, well that’s why they’re there. That one looks like a boat. Or country club.

Even with the highway, the air was so much softer and invigorating than the air over here, which just smelled like exhaust when we got back, still over here on the Westside I think they capitalize that but way further from anything to purify. I’m afraid of going back to San Francisco, I mean afraid of taking the bus back and I’ll be inhaling recycled air for seven hours -- that’s the fastest bus available. Plus I have to get up way too early, which is still noon but it’ll destroy me. I’d like to say that maybe I’ll be okay, but I know that even if I could sleep as late as I wanted, then get up like usual and get ready and then go-- well, we know what happened last time. I’ve only begun to recover, and now I have to do it all over again. I’m worried that the bathroom window in my apartment will be closed, the air will be stuck and they supposedly just fixed the stall wall of the bathroom shower I’m worried about dust and mold accumulating in my breathing passages.

I’m sick of trying to recover, just trying to get back to that point of overwhelming exhaustion and hypersensitivity and pain surrounding me -- that place where somehow it’s kind of manageable because I’m used to it. At least compared to now, when it’s way more difficult to function at all and I can only expect that it’ll get worse again before it stabilizes.

2 comments:

filthyhot said...

love your site. i hate that you have to live in such pain. have you heard of dr frank's no pain spray. i know it sounds cheesy but i saw it advertised on tv. it's supposed to ease the pain of every illness (i know what you're thinking) even fibromyalgia. ask your doctor about it. it's an over the counter medication.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, thank you for the sweet compliment! As for Dr. Frank, now I haven't heard of his spray, but I'm certainly desperate so I'll see what the hell it is...

Love --
mattilda