Friday, February 29, 2008

Maybe flirting helps

After feldenkrais I get that window of opportunity when my mind clears and I'm ready to write, but I'm supposed to relax for at least a half hour afterwards and do something that isn't one of my body's habits, so I don't write right away. Then I end up checking my email first, just quickly, but that's always a disaster for my body anyway so now the sides of my head are expanding and I can't think. Somehow my brain works if I'm doing something where I don't have to focus, but as soon as I try to focus I can't. I mean my face starts to hurt and my sinuses pound my jaw tightens I keep trying to get the thoughts back but they’re stuck somewhere inside my head or floating outside like I'm in the wind and my hair’s spinning ribbons around me.

I can keep going, just in case. But wait -- sex. Sex brings me out of the fog, I mean right now it's just jerking my dick because some guy on craigslist is writing about giving you head like you've never had before. I didn't even know that I wanted head like I'd never had before. Something about the hair on his chest, and the way he says phone. I mean he writes it. He says he wants someone to call whenever he's horny, yes I like calling -- even if the sex act isn't what I'm looking for, I'll do the phone yes the phone the phone the phone!

But wait -- get this: he thinks I'm cute, if I was in Berkeley he'd already be on his knees but he wants something two to three times a week and that's a lot of driving. What is he talking about? We haven't even met, and he's already talking about two to three times a week -- people on the internet are so weird, I mean can't we just hook up tonight and see what happens?

Now I'm trying to convince him to come over, while he's probably jerking off. And this is after the first guy, someone who'd actually responded to my ad from the other night, he called to get directions and then never called back! Afraid of the Tenderloin, I'm sure, since he was coming from Burlingame. People in San Francisco can't even deal with the Tenderloin, but Burlingame? Maybe that chandelier in his picture was current, I meant to ask about that. So much time people waste on these weird games, I just want to have a list of five or six people who I like having sex with, people to call from time to time and turn it out, right? Right now I have a list of zero. I was even thinking of going to Blow Buddies, although it's never fun on Thursdays.

Okay, now this guy says that the fact that I live in the city is quite prohibitive. Interesting word choice. At least he got back to me, now I'll do some stretches and get ready for Blow Buddies, just so I don't end up in some internet time warp drama.

Oh, no -- internet time warp drama. This guy keeps sending flirtatious messages, and I keep responding. While I'm listening to this conversation about the Gendercator from the Bloomington, Indiana queer film festival. This is what people do all day. The chatting part. Jerking off is hurting my hand, I better leave for Blow Buddies. But first I'm waiting for my beans to boil -- oh, no, they're boiling over!

Do you like this real-time exposé? I guess I'm in a good mood now, or something. Maybe flirting helps, even when thwarted. We'll see how long this mood lasts...

2 comments:

grantatee said...

hi there, i was thinking about you last night when i was at kabuki. i was thinking, i wonder if eros is like this except more fun because people are having sex?

anyway. hope your night was sweet,
grantatee

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Hilarious -- unfortunately Eros is nowhere near as glamorous as Kabuki -- if only there were somewhere like that for sex (and without chlorine, okay! Then I could get exercise and sex, I mean exercise other than sex...) I mean exercise...

My night did end up being kind of sweet, actually. Yes, sweet is what I'm looking for...

Love --
mattilda