Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I don’t know what I was thinking. That’s not true -- I know what I was thinking: I thought it would be fun. I haven’t gone on a trip in years, I mean a trip that wasn’t a book tour. A trip for more than one or two nights, a few hours away -- I went on a few of those with Jeremy.

I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be relaxing. I thought maybe it would even break me out of my patterns and I would be in less pain.

I took some pictures today, some pictures of West Hollywood where I’m staying, right in front of my sister’s apartment actually I thought I’d post them but I forgot the cord that connects the camera to the computer so maybe you can picture them. I know you’d be able to picture them better if I told you about them, but right now I’m in too much pain. I’m too exhausted. I’m so overwhelmed that I’m worried nothing will ever be okay again, but I wanted to say hi and explain my absence, I’ll be back soon. Maybe even tomorrow, but probably without pictures. I guess actually that was yesterday when I took those pictures.

The palm trees with the sky in the background, that always works. This girl posing for the camera in the middle of the street, over and over again in leopard print skinny jeans then a zebra print dress then just regular skinny jeans her hair swinging to the side I think maybe she was trying to look like a hooker, ha ha look at me in Hollywood I don’t know. The discarded sofa out front, a cat jumping on top. A woman jogging with her iPod in her mouth, or maybe it was her cellphone -- I didn’t get that picture. I didn’t get the woman in the middle of the street either, I can’t decide whether to call her a girl or a woman my instinct is woman but I’m not sure if I’m relying on a feminist formula that doesn’t actually apply to the world I’m describing. I got a picture of her later, sitting on the side of the street this is that time when the sun becomes shadowless and everyone wants pictures. I thought it was pretty good luck that the cat looked over right when I snapped the camera, I mean the shutter. For the photo shoot -- not my photo shoot, but the one I was documenting, I went over and said do you mind if I take a picture of you taking a picture?

Maybe I said posing, posing for a picture. Up close, her makeup looked so Southern California, the blush two dominant. I wasn’t even dressed, just shorts and a sweatshirt and socks I was trying to get some daylight but I feel like there was a time difference on the way here I guess that’s my sinuses. I actually liked the drive down, it was kind of fun the car stereo had such great sound it was a dance party without the dancing I mean I knew I’d be in pain I just thought. I just thought it would be okay, somehow.
It’s not okay.

My hair looked really good today, it helps to do some extra styling when my hair is fully dry if I’m going out somewhere and I want it to stay in place. Especially when it’s kind of long, and it takes more effort. When I feel terrible, it’s really really important that my hair look good. Especially when my pants don’t fit the way I want them to, I keep getting them altered but they still don’t fit so maybe it’s me.

People stare in a different way in LA, it’s more like tourism but snottier too like no one wants to get caught and the only people who are friendly are really really fake. This part of LA, I mean. The dream of LA that isn’t LA, but it also is. The people doing the photo shoot were actually kind of friendly, at least the woman posing, but she also pretended that she didn’t care, even when she was posing. We all do that.

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