Monday, March 24, 2008

Familiar with the drill, even while trying to subvert it

At home, the fumes aren't so bad but I figure I should leave for as long as possible anyway, since I'll be inhaling whatever's left while I'm sleeping. It would be nice to sit in a steamroom is what I'm thinking, since it was so cold at the beach and now I have all my windows open to get rid of the poison so it's even colder in my apartment. I guess I still have a membership at 24 Hour Fitness -- even though I've probably been there 20 times in five years I can't bring myself to cancel it, I don't want to acknowledge that I can't exercise that way, I mean that it's not an option. But you're supposed to wear a bathing suit in that steamroom and that sounds like a rash just waiting to happen. Anyway, I couldn't really stay there until I'm ready to go to bed, that would be a little conspicuous. Eros has a steamroom but they close at midnight, that's why I never go there. Besides the fact that it's in the Castro. Of course there's Steamworks and that would keep me out way longer, but by the time I got there it would already be time to leave to catch the BART back before it closes.

So, guess what? I post an ad on craigslist -- anyone want to drive from SF to Steamworks? And, who knew -- I get six responses right away, including two people who actually call me. The first one says he'll be outside any minute in his silver Mercedes, and the second one is on his way too -- he doesn't want to go by himself, so I tell him he can come with me and silver Mercedes, or if that's not all right with Mercedes then I'll just go with him. Silver Mercedes calls from downstairs -- this is a rough neighborhood, I'm going to drive around the block. I go down there but he's nowhere to be found, but after a few minutes the other guy shows up so we go across the street to use the ATM and then when we come out there's a silver car waiting up the block, I say is that a Mercedes? Jason says I think so, that's his name and we walk down the block towards the silver car but it drives away, Jason starts to run for it but I say oh, don't worry. Then we wait a few minutes to see if it comes back around, but no sign of it.

We walk to Jason's car, he's cute with preppy hair in his face and shadows under his eyes, his car is a 1980s Volvo GL, which is kind of funny because I only think of people like my parents driving that car, I guess because that's what they drove in the ‘80s, the car I ended up driving when it was old, except that one was a DL, the standard model. GL was fancier, but I guess it's not fancy now because this guy already said: I don't have a fancy car. Because I was saying the other guy got nervous because he’s driving a fancy car. See how things circle around?

It takes us a while to get to the bridge because all the on-ramps are closed, we're talking about different public sex spaces I mean I'm asking him where he has fun but he hasn't gone to many, he grew up in Florida then went to school in Georgia and he just moved here a year ago. I guess that means he stayed in Georgia a while after school, or he went to school for a while, because I'm guessing we're about the same age. He says I was really sheltered but now that's all blown away. Then he tells me a story about hooking up with someone online, this 20-year-old who lived in a rundown Victorian in the Western Addition, in a tiny room underneath the stairwell, with wigs and makeup taking up most of the space. The guy got right to sucking Jason's dick on the floor, and then his phone rang and he said you've got to get over here, we're going to have some fun.

I say: he answered the phone while he was sucking your dick, isn't that kind of rude? But then another 20-year-old got over there and there was already someone else who was giggling most of the time, and then this blond 16-year-old with a huge dick arrived so Jason couldn't complain, but then this 60-year-old transvestite with no teeth walked in and said what the hell are you doing -- I let you stay in my room and you end up having a sex party? Then the guy started yelling at her -- you told me to have a sex party, you're just in a bad mood because you just woke up from a nap!

So Jason ducked out, just as I'm thinking what kind of fag in San Francisco uses the word transvestite? But what I say is: you left without saying goodbye? He says yeah, I know, but I believe in karma and when I walked out the door I realized I left my cellphone there so I went back in and the transvestite said you went out the wrong door. The guy was still arguing with her -- I think they might have been on drugs.

No kidding, I say -- sounds like tweaker drama, for sure. We arrive at Steamworks and we both get lockers because there are no rooms available, I don't know if I want a room anyway. Before we met, Jason he asked for pictures, and I sent some, but I also said we don't have to have sex, I'm just looking for a ride. I change into my towel and then I can't find him, I do the rounds through the rooms and over to the glory hole area, then back, and there he is in the hot tub. We already talked about the hot tub, I can't go near about hot tub because of all the chlorine, and we also agreed to stay till about one before driving back, he seems like a sweet person is a little nervous. I sit next to him, but not too close to the tub, he says it doesn't seem like there's much going on. I say it’s more crowded over in the back, have you gone over there? He hasn't been there yet, but he doesn't look too enthusiastic about it.

I say we could make out, he says I like hanging out with you and I think we could be friends. I say we could still make out, and be friends. He says I can't really have sex with friends -- it just feels separate, do you know what I mean?

I'm familiar with the drill, even while trying to subvert it. Mostly I'm just glad I got a ride. So then the highlight is when I'm sitting in the steamroom and this guy is jerking his dick by the entrance, lubing it up so it's too greasy to suck, but no way did he really just take out a bottle of poppers?

I rush out the door, this guy at the water fountain says you should have seen your face, you were like: I'm out of here! I'm laughing and he says you remind me of my best friend from Jersey, Bill.

It's funny how, when I take my clothes off, I can become interchangeable with people's best friends, I don't know if his name is Bill or that's the best friend's name. This guy says you have the exact same laugh. He seems sweet, but I'm not attracted to him. I walk around and around, around and around, around and around. The good news is that I go up to all three guys I'm hot for, but everyone’s so skittish. I mean, everyone's looking extra-close like they're trying to make sure that you’re 100% what they're looking for, I mean totally their ideal and not even a little bit variant. In other words, no one's having sex, except a little bit of glory hole action and I don't even know if that’s sex.

So then I get skittish too, and I start looking at everyone to make sure that I really think they're hot, or whatever, instead of just going with the feeling and then if you're not feeling it any more, you say thanks and move on, right? That's what's supposed to happen, but these guys might as well be on the internet.

Eventually I'm hugging this guy with a shaved head from behind while someone’s sucking his dick, or actually no one’s sucking it, it's just there in the hole. I say we have to find someone to suck your dick, so I lead him to another hole but then I guess he's bored by the guy who’s sucking so we go down into a booth and I'm worried I've already hurt my body too much so he ends up on his knees, I guess I'm leading him there. Someone's reaching in to grab my balls from beneath, which is kind of hot, but then this guy's knees hurt, he says: I have a room.

So we're on our way there, I see Jason in the hot tub still, I say have you had much fun? He says no, not really -- do you want to go? I say I think I'm going to go with this guy in that room, and I point in his direction, if that's okay. I'm conscious of some weird embarrassment like maybe that guy doesn't fit the standards of attraction I'm supposed to have. I think he's cute, what else matters? Jason says sure, I'll wait in the hot tub.

My favorite part about this guy is rubbing his head, the softness of the new hair I love rubbing rubbing rubbing it. When I say my legs hurt, even though he's sucking my dick not the other way around, he says why don't you lie down? So that's what I do, I can't decide whether I'm enjoying it but I do like the fact that I'm just lying back you know it's kind of relaxing not to get too excited until he shifts his angle and oh there, I pull away to come he says that was fun, thank you, and I stand up to hug him and kiss his neck.

Jason's waiting, I take a quick shower and then we're on our way out. I guess he didn't have sex with anyone, he was playing with someone but then he felt a bump on the guy's dick and he got paranoid so he went back in the hot tub because he figured all that chlorine would kill just about anything. He says: I guess most people have bumps on their dicks.

I'm trying to remember what sex is supposed to feel like.


Joan Kelly said...

I love the way you write about things like this. (I don't just mean I love that you write about things like this, although I do feel that way also.) (But the things you think to say about all of it...mmm. Beautiful.)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Joan, thank you thank you thank you -- on both counts! Sometimes I worry I'm being repetitive, I mean I certainly know that some of the acts are repetitive so it's great to hear that you love the way I read about things like this, and that I write about things like this...

Love --