Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Kind of bored but I'm committed

I don't know what's going on -- these days when I get ready to go out I get so frantic, like when I was shitting for hours before going dancing, or tonight when suddenly I'm freezing so freezing that I start shaking my teeth chattering. I guess I've actually succeeded at hooking up online, and it couldn't be more convenient -- a block away and he wants to know if I'm Australian or Scottish maybe it's my look with plaids and corduroys, French cuffs and a wool cardigan. Good, he says, because Australians are stupid.

I don't know if I was right when I said sex in a bed might hurt less than sex standing or kneeling or leaning against a wall, I mean cocksucking is still cocksucking, right? And it still hurts my neck. At least I can relax when I'm tired, I mean there's more space, leaning into this guy's chest I like that. It's different, though, more like work I mean I'm kind of bored but I'm committed, here in his bed that's okay just different -- at a sex club I might hug him and walk away, here I’m focused on his hand jerking his dick but also I like the way I get him to rub my belly he’s pulling on the hairs that's right hands under my balls yes, and when he's ready to come I'm actually relaxed but I get there he says do you want to eat it, of course, as soon as I taste his come I'm shooting just like that it's hilarious.

He's a Tibetan Buddhist, he was studying to be a monk but then he realized I'm 24 I've been doing this since I'm 21 and I don't want to take a vow of celibacy at this point in my life. Now he's 27, his room is very spare, even the altar. I ask him what he thinks of the protests in Tibet and he says monks should never be political, which kind of surprises me because protesters are getting murdered by the Chinese government while the world is celebrating the Beijing Olympics and here this guy is saying monks should never be political.

There's something that feels more hollow about sex online, more hollow than the charge of the public. I guess it lacks the immediacy, feels more like performance. At home I listen to a report where the Dalai Llama says he'll step down if the violence continues -- but he says nothing to distinguish property destruction by the demonstrators from murder by the Chinese government. Says he wouldn't support a boycott of the Olympics, even though it has already displaced hundreds of thousands of people in Beijing alone. Sometimes the ideology of nonviolence seems so violent.

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