Thursday, March 27, 2008

These noodles

Upstairs I'm feeling so calm -- a walk was such a good idea, a walk late at night it clears my head. Except then I'm kind of wired, wired at 3 a.m. isn't a good idea I mean it feels good but then I'm wired in bed and wired leads to worried, worried I'll just stay here all wired and then eventually I'll have to get up again.

But I do fall asleep -- the problem is when I wake up, that's always the problem, this time I'm worried maybe I didn't eat enough before bed, although before bed I always worry I'm eating too much. It's kind of like a high, the way it calms me and then immediately I lie down. It makes me feel disgusting, especially when I always wake up with stomach pains, but if I don't eat right before bed there isn't even a point in trying to go to sleep. I mean, if my sleep ever gets better and I'm relaxed then the next step is to try to go to bed without eating. But I'm nowhere near that next step, remember? I'm lying in bed writing a book proposal, wondering whether I should use neoliberalism because it's trendy all the lefty presses love that word or consumerism, which is more accurate, the first line will say something like Gay culture has become the ultimate nightmare of consumerism: desire becomes a product; a product becomes desire. Or, should it say Gay culture has become the ultimate nightmare of neoliberalism: desire becomes a product; a product becomes desire?

I know I'm using “become” too much, but I'll save that for later -- for now it's consumerism versus neoliberalism, see what happens when I get wired I just can't stop I'm writing an email to my editor at City Lights asking when I should expect my edits, I mean now I'm getting nervous since I know my deadline is April 25 and that's a month away I've been waiting since August. Then I'm brainstorming publicity ideas, would a book launch at midnight work, I mean the book is called So Many Ways to Sleep Badly. I'm not sure why I stopped writing that book, I mean I have so much more material.

So I give up, and get out of bed. At first the sun threatens to hurt my eyes, but then I close the blinds in the kitchen and it's still bright though more diffuse and I'm thinking about rice noodles, I guess I'll cook rice noodles. I haven't gotten up like this in a long time, usually I can just make myself stay in bed and then eventually I fall back asleep but today that's just not working. Maybe it's because I got in bed later, got in bed when I was kind of wired, got in bed after the walk that I thought was maybe answer but maybe it was only the answer if I want to get up in the middle of the night and make rice noodles.

I used to have to get up almost every night and eat toast, but I haven't done that on a regular basis in over a year so I feel like I've broken that habit and maybe I can just think of this as that once-in-a-long-while exception, a special event, a total fucking anomaly something you stare at and say wow. That's right -- and wow, I'm out of bed and it's the middle of the night, but I hate it when I glance at the clock on the computer screen: 10:55 a.m. -- that threatens my reality, I mean 10:55 a.m. doesn't sound like the middle of the night but oh it's so different the way I feel, the way I feel in this 10:55 a.m. fog, sinking as I'm eating these noodles, these noodles that are irritating my digestion I'm worried I'm going to have to shit before I get back in bed but actually I just sit on the toilet and it's cold. At least the noodles taste good.


grantatee said...

girl, a book release at midnight?? that's like, um, the middle of the night for me. maybe we can all eat toast and rice noodles while you read?!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, not toast and rice noodles -- please not toast and rice noodles!

Love --