Sunday, April 13, 2008

Hugs and related or unrelated gestures

I guess Buena Vista Park is an okay place for existential questions, sitting on the bench perched above the city yet below the cruising I'm wondering about whether I'm not feeling desire because I'm not attracted to these people, or whether I'm just not feeling desire. I guess I didn't really come here because I was horny, I came because it’s hot outside so I figured people would be here. And there are people, it's just that doing things with them doesn't seem that exciting, someone’s sucking my dick and it's hot for a minute but then I'm bored -- I'm sucking someone else's dick, and sure that's exciting while he's pumping my throat but then my jaw starts hurting so I figure I should stop. I guess I don't know what I'm attracted to anymore -- that's not true, I know what I'm attracted to but maybe it's just not here tonight -- that frantic energy when everyone's holding each other and nothing else matters.

The air doesn't even seem fresh up here, what is wrong everything’s so still I guess it's the heat and then I’m looking around and I like the city lights viewed between towering trees but tonight it doesn't call me. Two different guys hug me in really sweet ways massaging my back but mostly that makes me want to lie down and rest, rest is what I need but I'm not even sure where to search for that. I've been here too long already, my body’s starting to hurt from standing so long and maybe climbing too so I don't want to go down right now, but I'm out of food and water like on a desert island not really it just sounds funny to say that. A desert island with all of these people, I wonder if that would be lonelier, after the initial hugs and related or unrelated gestures of mouths and hands and cocks.

The other existential question is about aging, the way desire changes over time but also all of my fatigue that isn't really about aging just overwhelm in the way that it overwhelms desire even when I want desire to pull me out. When I stopped turning tricks after 12 years of being a whore I thought sex would get better, that I wouldn't feel trapped by fulfilling other people's needs, other people who more often than not would rather see everything I stand for squelched. I thought I wouldn't feel so trapped by the lack of options.

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