Sunday, April 20, 2008

Someone else wasn't waiting

I've decided to like Blow Buddies -- they're not so gruff at the door anymore, and when I sit in the video room eating peanuts and looking at the bad mainstream porn, why such bad mainstream porn I don't know I mean bad as in commercial and mainstream as in the way desire is framed as something that occurs only between two buff, waxed specimens of masculinity. I notice the Ringold Alley sign, leading to the dark underground area it's not really underground but it kind of feels that way when you step through the curtain, when they put that sign there Ringold Alley would still have been thriving just a few blocks away I remember at least a few hot times there after the Hole in the Wall, stumbling out drunk, and one that scared me when someone's dick slid into my asshole without a condom I was torn by how hot it felt right there in the open air just three feet from the place where cars dwell, do you know what I mean? But I pulled away like usual -- now that alley is desolate and the sign for this indoor alley not nearly as grand it feels like an invocation of something lost.

Before the peanuts, just when I'm rounding the corner for the first time and watching this one guy get sucked off, someone with swept-back hair comes into the alcove and pulls me over, soon enough he’s sucking my dick and staring up at me with big googly eyes. It's fun enough, he likes all different angles and at one point he asks me to spit on him, sure, then he says I'll do anything you want but I don't really want anything. I mean from him, I'm just going with the experience he's been sucking my dick for a while now, what I like is that he's good at it but I don't get close to coming, maybe just when he tickles my balls with his fingers but he always stops that right away even though I'm sure I get harder, because he has to keep jerking his own dick, tweaker fantasy but at least his mouth stay lubricated.

I say I'm gonna walk around, thanks, and I bend down to kiss him on the cheek a few times, it's funny how someone sucking your dick can make you I mean me feel masculine in a certain way that's kind of funny and glamorous, not just because everyone in this space that worships masculinity is looking at me in a very different way then if they had just watched me sucking dick their own self-loathing. The best part is later, when this guy walks in I see him checking his jacket right then I know he's the one I want. Except then he has his shirt off, walking around super-fast with his chest up trophy-like but when I touch his chest he actually touches mine, not like the other guy who I thought was cruising me but when I touched him he got all uptight, said something like how you doing but I could hear it in his voice: not you, you crazy bitch. No, wait -- something more masculine, right? Masculine guys don't say bitch, unless they're talking about pussy.

Anyway, this is when the music gets good all clangy so I'm laughing, back to the video room eating more peanuts I figure I'll wait to see if the trophy guy wants company since following him around is too tiring he walks so fast. I'm sitting for a while and I don't see him coming around, I wonder where he's gone but no sign until I go outside and he's coming out of the back area, I say can I give you a hug? That worked last time, remember, but actually I don't remember it's just the first thing I think of saying it's what I want. Then I'm hugging him he seems excited but twacked, something about how there are a lot of horny guys here and up close I see he's older than from the distance, worn and that gives me a certain kind of comfort makes him more human..

Then we're in the back back, he’s sucking my dick, something about how his ex-boyfriend had such a big dick too and don't tell me you're a bottom, I say I can fuck you right now if you want. Instead I'm hugging him from behind for a while, I say I could come just like this, he says not yet I want you to fuck me later are you even old enough to be here? Which is kind of funny, actually I get that a lot here I think it's something about how when I channel excitement and it's kind of childlike, like I'll throw my legs up on the vinyl seat in the video booth or bounce a little when I'm walking or smile and laugh which no one else really does but also I guess I am one of the youngest people here. I smell smoke but actually it's this guy suddenly next to us, kind of scaring the guy I'm hugging who says I'm going to walk around. The other guy looks apologetic, he says sorry that was a hot sight. Earlier he didn't seem into me earlier but remember how the positions associated with masculinity change people's impressions in the space where masculinity is the only option given respect? So then he’s all about me hugging him from behind, he’s shorter and thicker than the other guy, shaved head instead of curls he says I want to get fucked. Or maybe he says I don't want to get fucked, because then he’s turned around and what really gets me hard is sucking his dick even though I saw him come earlier and I think it's funny how everyone shaves their pubes to make the hose look more bulbous but it ends up looking like some kind of museum specimen maybe it is. Then the original guy who was sucking my cock enters the stall with us but he's shyer, standing back, maybe the crystal has gotten edgier or he's giving us space and when I come it shoots against the wall but not quite as hard as the guy with the shaved head when I saw him earlier, that was impressive.

Back at the coatcheck, I'm reading the Chronicle with the guy who works there, we’re studying a picture of Nancy Pelosi leaning over to kiss the hand of the Pope, President Bush on one side and Condoleezza on the other with one of those other war criminals and I start talking about how it's Nancy Pelosi who’s keeping the war going and someone else checking out is looking at me all strange, I can't tell if he's annoyed at what I'm saying or just the fact that I'm talking at all, or talking about politics, or talking about politics in such a queeny voice, probably some combination of all these options, and below the picture of the war criminals there's an ad for Burberry cologne, but the bottle isn't plaid -- what good is it if it's not plaid, I keep saying, and then I kiss the guy goodbye and I'm out the door and there's even a taxi waiting, a female driver no less -- always a pleasant surprise in another realm of masculinity. She says did you call a cab? Good thing I tell the truth -- no -- because no one called her, she just wanted to make sure that someone else wasn't waiting.


Mark said...

I hate how you constantly pathologize masculinity. I suppose that's the liberal feminist way... Does it ever occur to you that any of your perceptions are projections? I personally have never thought less of a dick-sucker as opposed to dick-suckee. Perhaps there's a psychology of dominance and submission involved, but the importance of that aspect varies from person to person. In your universe you think people are responding to you more positively because you are perceived as more masculine. Perhaps you have some bottom shame that you projecting onto others?

Also, did it ever occur to you that some men aren't very naturally effeminate, and that they may want a break from from the gay community's mandatory self-emasculation? It's so strange to have spent a life fighting various struggles and be told by some queen with a political agenda ( or just raging insecurity ) that one is "not gay enough". Masculinity should be liberating for men. Being a femme is not the only path to enlightenment.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, drama! For a moment you made me think wait, what did I write? So I went back and read it... Not quite sure what got you so defensive, but I'll offer a few answers anyway.

First of all, I'm not interested in pathologizing masculinity, what I'm interested in is challenging *compulsory* masculinity in gay sexual spaces. If that's the liberal feminist way, please show me those liberal feminist texts, I'm ready! In spaces like Blow Buddies and other public sex environments, there is no doubt in my mind that unquestioning masculinity is deified, worshipped, held as the ultimate standard of attraction, while anything queeny or femme is suspect, unworthy, to be trampled on. And I think that is tragic – and, yes, an example of disastrous self-loathing.

I do think it's interesting that, in the post that seems to have gotten you so upset, I'm actually embodying a certain type of masculinity. In fact I'm incredibly inspired by a lot of transmasculine thought, identities, and glamour specifically because of the possibility to create a negotiated, critical and engaged masculinity that I almost only see present with non-trans fags when the queen is in the room, so to speak.

Now, to answer another one of your questions, of course it has occurred to me that some men aren't "naturally" effeminate, since that's where the tyranny of compulsory masculinity comes from. And I reject that idea, and all standards of what is "natural." As for the "gay community's mandatory self-emasculation,” I've never seen it but if it's there then count me in!

I love it that, in trying to discount what I'm saying, you call me a "queen with a political agenda,” as if that is a terrible thing -- of course I know nothing about you, your blocked profile, or your various struggles, but I certainly am a queen, and I certainly do have a political agenda! And, tons of insecurities, raging and otherwise...

Love --

grantatee said...

this dialogue after this post is interesting to me. actually, after i first read your entry here i was on and i found this group called 'masculine gay men.' i wanted to call you and tell you about it, because the threads of conversation were so bad that i had to get off the website when my kitchen timer went off, otherwise i'd be there all night-- just reading about the tragedy of gay men being 'real men' and not 'sissies!' needless to say, it was painful to read.

i liked what you wrote in your entry about masculinity and value in sexual positions/situations. it made me think of porn videos where there is one super submissive person, like the one guy who sucks all the dicks or something. and in the end everyone cums all over his face. and then they call him a 'cum slut' or something. and there is never more than one 'cum slut' when it happens, mostly masculinity bonding between all the guys getting sucked off and dumping their loads onto the guy.

um, yeah.


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Darling, you'll have to show me that group -- or wait, it's a community, right, community -- yay for real men, real real real real men!

And yes, the possibilities of male bonding in porn videos, how tremendous!

Love --