Monday, April 21, 2008

Reinforcement

Oh, no -- why do I go back to Blow Buddies just two days later? No no no no no!

Okay, let me tell you why... First of all, it's midnight and my body hurts from repetitive motion and repetitive stillness in my apartment, so I have to go somewhere. Really I want to go somewhere to hear music and maybe cruise, but I can't think of anywhere without smoke, so I end up at Blow Buddies, which does have a little bit of smoke in the back because it filters through the garage door wall, but way way less than anywhere else I can think of. Second, I haven't been there in a long time on a Saturday, and Saturday is the only night that's crowded. Except, tonight it’s just crowded with endless evidence of what happens after decades of neglect, on the personal and communal level. I've talked about this before, but haven't felt it in such an overwhelming way in a while -- I'm not attracted to anyone, which makes me feel like maybe I don't have a libido. I keep thinking I'm going to leave, but then I'm eating more peanuts and waiting to see if there's anyone who turns me on. Eventually I watch this one guy get his dick sucked through a glory hole and the way he thrusts with so much force towards completion actually does get me hard, so then I decide to approach the two guys who are kind of turning me on, first a really skinny one in a white t-shirt who moves away when I touch him, and then this other guy who I thought was cruising me but he basically cringes when I touch him -- oh well, no big deal -- I'm just glad I made the effort, now I don't have to regret anything. Except for the fact that I stayed for an hour and a half, when I get home I almost can't believe it, what was I doing there for so long? Eating peanuts, I guess.

Remember when I was feeling some kind of excitement about engaging in this struggle to regain a sense of hope in my own sexuality? Now I just feel like I'm rotating the things that I have to ban, because I can't think of any other options. Right now I have to ban myself from Blow Buddies for at least a few weeks, so maybe that means I should get in the Nob Hill Theatre again -- but I never have fun at the Nob Hill Theatre, I just like the walk home and I can take a cab somewhere else and walk home. My internet experiment -- logging in to cruising sites but not browsing -- I gave up on that when I thought Blow Buddies was okay, after this one guy who emailed me and said you're really hot, do you want to hook up sometime? He was pretty cute, so why not? But he was already off the site, or maybe I was off first and then I got his message the next day, so I replied and then he replied but nothing much except chatting and then he wanted to know my name, I said you can call me whatever you want. He wanted to call me Juarez because of some maudlin song, I said my name’s Mattilda. But he couldn't deal with that, I mean he really couldn't deal, he said my name’s Waltzing.

So then I couldn't deal with that anymore. At Chris's house, we're looking online at these gay social groups that seem kind of desolate and scary or maybe that's just how we're feeling, although the penises of different shades, shaped into faces, indicating gay men of different races, that certainly isn’t helping. I'm saying "gay men" because that's the phrase they use, or otherwise it's just "men" -- I was thinking about the thirtysomething one that I guess didn't have enough people so now it's thirtysomething and fortysomething, although they forgot to add the fortysomething part to the description. Although I guess that means Chris and I can go together. Chris can't believe I ate those peanuts -- there could be MRSA or lube or someone's shitty fingers all over them! But Chris -- the peanuts are my favorite part, that and discovering new details, like last night I noticed the fan suspended upside down from the ceiling by three bungie cords, and I said something to the guy at the door as a joke and he said that's just for reinforcement, right?

4 comments:

stephen said...

Are the peanuts salted?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Indeed, they are so salty that they make your lips chapped.

Love--
mattilda

stephen said...

maybe that is why you keep going back? salt?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Maybe you're right -- I might be addicted to salt, I better check on that...

Love --
mattilda