Saturday, April 26, 2008

Softer floors

I don't understand desire, I mean my desire, which I guess means I don't understand desire. But first there’s a publishing industry party, I'll admit that I get excited just finding out random details like the fact that Chronicle Books publishes 350 books a year or that Counterpoint is just down the street from Publishers Group West in Berkeley. It's interesting to see how the publicity people at Seal have moved around to other local publishers since the big "independent" publishing insider trading drama where Avalon, which previously owned Seal, got bought by Perseus, which also snatched up Publishers Group West (founded by the former CEO of Avalon) to develop a virtual stranglehold on distribution for independent publishers. So now Seal and PGW are in the same office, the office where the party is, which is actually huge and filled with air, since a lot of the party takes place in the courtyard, and I'm meeting all these people who I’ve mostly corresponded with by email, it's fun really and then I discover the refreshments include grilled asparagus, not just other things that look enticing but then I find out wait, that's pureed pork on cornbread. So then I don't have to hide in the Seal publisher’s office to eat my own food, or at least not as often.

In the past I think I would’ve been horrified by a party like this, but now you see I’m obsessed with publishing, of course that's part of desire but on my way I thought maybe I'll meet someone to sleep with too, at least I’ll know we have something in common. But there aren't many fags, and the fags there are seem to avoid one another. But most people are friendly, maybe that's because this is West Coast publishing or maybe it's because most of them are in publicity.

Anyway, I've already planned to go to Steamworks, since it's only five blocks away and when else will I be five blocks away from Steamworks? It's funny when I arrive, because I'm still buzzing from the publishing party and so I think oh, this is what it feels like to be horny: a rush. Then someone’s sucking my dick but I'm not really into him so I hug him and say thanks, then onto this guy in a booth I can't tell if he's hot but I know I'm turned on I'm trying to obey my own advice: don't think about it too much until it becomes unless walking in circles, just get on your knees and suck, suck, suck. So that's what I'm doing, which is pretty fun and then I stand up and he's sucking my dick, I can tell I'm close to coming so usually I'd pull back but this time I figure why not, remember your own advice, so then I pull away and shoot all over his chest but one thing’s funny I'm trying to avoid the come when giving him a hug, something I always make fun of other people for doing -- honey, it's your mess!

Then I crash, I'm back by my locker getting ready to eat something and that's when I'm thinking I don't understand desire, the first time at least. I mean the first time tonight. I wonder if this is the end, I mean the end of these spaces for me, which now just feel like loss. I'm thinking about what it means to have so many people crowded into one place, supposedly crowded for desire but really it's more about distance. What would it mean if we all started crying at the same time? Or screaming and laughing until we all vomited uncontrollably and then fell on the floor and went to sleep.

This super-skinny guy comes up to me and says I find you extremely attractive, it would please me if I could kiss you -- overly formal and awkward I'm guessing English isn’t his first language. I kiss him on the lips and he asks me if I want to go to his room -- no, I say -- I'm tired, I think I'm going to leave. Then he comes back around, this nervousness that feels submissive even in his assertiveness, he says do you want to go into my room and rest? I can tell that rest means he'll be touching me super-softly like I'm a bird, which is what he's doing now but I say that’s sweet, but no thanks.

Maybe there is a sweetness to him, at least in the way that he doesn't seem shady although part of that might just be inexperience -- he looks awfully young, what will he be like in 20 years? It's just that I can't help thinking about how he’s performing Asianness and whether that's for the benefit of my perceived whiteness, how this relates to masculinity and whether all of it forms the reason I'm not attracted to him. Or whether it's just the way he touches me. I mean I am a bird, but I don't like to be touched like one it makes me tense.

Also I'm exhausted, I don't know if I would be turned on by anyone right now it's like suddenly everything is dark and it is dark in here but I mean inside. I'm done eating but I don't want to leave yet because I feel so awful, I figure I'll walk around again just to see if something turns me on, and there that guy is again so I smile and keep walking. This happens a few times, then eventually I see some guy sticking his dick through the balcony that people use as an open glory hole, better that way it's more open, is that his dick or someone's arm and maybe it was someone's arm but up close it still looks huge I'm rubbing his stomach while someone’s sucking his dick but only the head and a little bit of the shaft really that's when I start to salivate thinking how far it will go into my mouth, all the way right all the way!

There's something about the way this guy is breathing that means he's breathing for me I mean differently for me and I realize he was cruising me really hard earlier but from the distance and I wasn't sure I was feeling anything, and now I’m feeling like I need to be on my knees but I don't want to be rude and pull his dick away from the guy down below who mostly is looking at me, I can't tell if it's because he wants my dick or because he wants to know if I want to suck this guy's dick I try to let him know with my eyes.

The guy from earlier is watching from a distance that’s maybe supposed to be discreet but it just looks weird, I motion him over while I'm hugging this other guy and then he kisses me on the cheek too softly almost like a child it makes me feel awkward I kiss him on the neck anyway then he's touching me with only the very outer surface of his fingertips and I move my head to the other side so he can't reach, I feel bad about that but I also feel like I can't possibly stand here if he touches me like that. I'm struck by the way that language isn't used in this space and the way I'm imprisoned by that and complicit too, but then he's gone and I feel shady but then the other guy’s dick is available so that's all I'm thinking about, way past the point when I should stand up because I'm hurting my neck I mean not now but my neck will hurt later right now it's just yes, this is what desire feels like I still don't understand but this is it I know.

Up and I'm hugging this guy so tight I love that and then tighter and I lose my balance but not really, falling with him against one of these fake walls then he's jerking me fast too fast but holding my balls just the way I like I keep hugging and hugging and then we’re just hugging I love this and then I'm back on my knees, this time his dick does go all the way into my throat before I guess I wasn't relaxed enough, but then my feet hurt why can't they have softer floors? I ask him if he wants to suck my dick, he says not now whatever that means and then the other guy is sucking his dick again from downstairs and I'm grabbing that guy’s head and kissing this guy's neck rubbing his head too I like feeling the place where his hair meets scalp what is it about him that feels so solid? Maybe that's desire.

Eventually he says he needs to take a break and I'm hugging him again he's jerking me fast I like the way that I keep getting so close to coming but not coming, at one point I think maybe I should go for it but then I think no, I don't want to come again then I'll just feel drained. And before the break I'm back on my knees, squeezing his legs holding his balls rubbing his chest and this goes on for a while I'm impressed by the way he can go all the way like this for so long but what about my jaw now it's all just moisture adding to moisture my lips are part of his thrusts. Maybe he came earlier is what I'm thinking but he's really starting to shake and moan and wait, isn't that come in my mouth but he doesn't stop thrusting, wow he just keeps pumping and pumping his hands on the back of my neck I love his hands on the back of my neck and his dick stays just as hard, maybe harder and I keep sucking and sucking until he starts to get just a little bit softer I'm impressed I didn't gag. Then it's time for more hugs.

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