Monday, April 14, 2008

Some crazy tennis outfit

Today's one of those days when we get one of those magical San Francisco transitions – it’s 80 degrees out when I leave the house and then I get on the bus, go maybe five blocks and the temperature has dropped twenty degrees. I mean literally. The wind is blowing through the intersection and tourists are walking around in t-shirts and shorts looking confused. I'm just glad for all the air, yes the air.

Later, though, I'm trapped in the Castro with Chris, sitting outside of Harvest Market eating soup and that's fine until we're done with the soup so we're trying to think of somewhere to go, I can't make up my mind because my body hurts and nothing sounds comfortable. Chris says the only place he can think of is the Castro AA club because it has sofas, so we start walking that way but then we're really in the Castro and I get kind of overwhelmed and stop breathing and I need to use the bathroom but I don't really want to go in the Castro AA club, all those gays who will come over to talk to Chris and I'll have to smile I don't have all that energy. I think I'm kind of scared of going into that space too, I remember when I first moved to San Francisco and I'd walk by and it would be all these gay men in white t-shirts sitting outside, it was called the Castro Country Club I actually thought it was some kind of country club but really it's just the gay AA space with a cafe in the back.

Part of it is that I'm scared of the gays and I'm scared of the Castro, but then I'm also scared of AA because of the groupthink and then gay AA that's double gay Castro AA that's triple. It's been great for Chris and I want to be as supportive as possible, but my whole body gets tense just thinking about going inside. So much of my identity is about independence, I guess I get scared thinking that people would assume some kind of commonality that I don't necessarily feel. People don't assume that when you go into a bar, but maybe that's part of the problem. Probably I'd have more in common with people at the AA club then at some terrible bar, especially the bars in the Castro -- I mean I don't drink or do drugs, right?

Chris notices that I'm all nerves, he says is about seeing me around all these gays? Maybe that's part of it, but I think it's about me and my own discomfort so then we end up walking around some more until Chris is freezing and I feel like I'm about to cry and the wind is blowing the only good thing is that I spot myself in the mirror in yellow pants and a pale orange jacket with the blue floral sweater showing underneath everything is so bright I feel like I'm in some crazy tennis outfit. Or golf, Chris says -- that's right, golf, I guess that makes more sense.


shaww said...

i HATE going to AA, its uncomfortable just THINKING about it!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Ha -- hilarious!

Love --